My Dysfunctional Love Past

By Amy

Being February--in the spirit of Valentines Day and all--Next week will be the week of sharing ridiculous love stories here on SOM.  But, before we get to all the LUV, I feel the need to tell you about the sordid (ha!) details of my love history. 

In the beginning, I liked one boy at a time, for long periods of time.  But, I NEVER wanted anyone to know, especially the boy I liked. 

I am the second from the left.  See, those glasses doomed me to grow into an awkward person. 

I liked one boy from kindergarten to 5th grade (and to prove I didn't like him, I beat the crap out of him daily on the playground until 3rd grade...but it's ok, I've apologized, he's graciously forgiven me, we are both happily married--so that proves I didn't permanently scar him, right?).  Then, I liked a new boy all through middle school (I didn't beat up this kid, but I avoided him like he had the plague...and leprosy...all the while adoring him from a distance).

Then I hit Jr. High and High school.  

And went boy crazy.  

But, here's the kicker, I don't think anyone knew!  I still NEVER wanted anyone to know who I liked, so played this "boy-basher" role.  Here's the logic: If everyone thought I valued cute boys as scum-of-the-earth, then the thought wouldn't cross their mind that I might super-like one of them; hence no teasing, no awkwardness, no stupid situations.  I would never have to face rejection from a boy...I wouldn't have to worry about not being good enough, not pretty enough, funny enough, flirty enough, etc for a boy to like me.  So, I projected a perfect, "I couldn't care less" attitude.  

But, in my head, I was boy-crazy.  People who knew me then, may not believe it, but it is true.  Here's a sample of the boys I liked:

The sarcastic, funny boys that I was friends with, but always secretly hoped that they would like me back; the older jock; the boy in choir who had A VOICE; the older brother of my friend who was worshiped by the general population of females; the dark, brooding boys in my art classes who designed tattoos; the shy, sweet boys who made me melt; the nerdy but witty boys who no girls appreciated...And don't forget the infinite number of boys who stood in awkward awe of my beautiful friends, who joked around with me or begged for any information: "Does she like me?" 

I should clarify, I had lots of really good guy friends that I was comfortable with, but as soon as any of them started acting "weird" (if any boy complimented me or showed any interest) I would run.  Even if I liked him; especially if I liked him!  

Once, I heard an older boy said I was cute.  Later, I saw him coming towards me while I was wandering though the halls during class (I remember doing that a lot...hmmm). 

The hall was empty--just he and I.  

Walking toward each other.  

I was about to DIE.  My stomach was climbing up my throat, my arms were going numb, and my mind was...non-functioning.

In my panic I stuck my head in a locker.  And, no, not my locker.  I still remember being horrified at myself, rooting around like I was looking for my math notebook in some stranger's un-locked locker, willing that boy to walk past without noticing me.  Yeah, pathetic.  And highly awkward.  

This is a pic from my study abroad trip to Europe.  My friends and I met an Australian guy who worked at the hostel we stayed at.  My friends thought I should get a pic with him.  I am blushing.  And HIGHLY uncomfortable.  Can you tell?  HAha..

I had several crushes in college.  But, by this time of weird relationship avoidance, I had some major anxiety about dating, and I would get physically sick if a guy asked me out.  So, I kept up the long-distance liking.  The main guy I liked in college was Bobby.  (Bobby, if you ever read this, just take this as a compliment and don't be weird-ed out.)  He was a really cool guy, kind of quiet, nice, and funny.  I probably spoke to him a total of ten times, though I was around him a lot.  We were in the same ward at church.  Once I heard he wanted to ask me on a date; I walked around stunned--half ecstatic that he knew I existed and half afraid that he would actually would ask me out.  I was convinced that if he did, I would just tip over dead.  He never did, so I escaped a tragic and early death.

Well, at least SOMEONE is more awkward with boys than me.  This is my sister, Sherie's, hilarious daughter, Livi, being Junice from SNL for Halloween.  WHAT?!  You don't know who Junice is? Check out it out HERE.

And...this is freakin' embarrassing, but since I'm laying everything out here on the table (er...screen), I will share the poem I wrote on Valentines Day 2005, about Bobby.  And, it's pretty much a work of literary genius, so...enjoy:

I have a new hobby, it's thinking about you, Bobby. 
I watch for you daily in the Taylor lobby. 
I like you better than buttered corn on the cobby. 
To spend time with you, Hey, I'd quite my jobby!
So, you be my Mufasa, and I'll be your Sarabi. 
What do you say, Will you be mine, Bobby?  

Stunning poem, right?  I never gave it to him.  (HA...Thank goodness...it's super creepy.)  But my roommates and I laughed pretty hard.

There was only one boy in high school or college who I liked and was able to function around; I felt safe with him.  He was smart and kind, quiet, but fun, wholesome and good.  I  admired and looked up to him.  We went to a dance together in high school, and he liked me too, in a very non-obvious way (his friends told me he did...so jr, high, I know!)  He came to the musical I sang a few solos in.  My heart skipped several beats as I stood on stage singing, when I saw him sneak into the back row of our tiny high school theater.   We were never actually boyfriend/girlfriend (I didn't want that in high school) but we stayed good friends through college.  We wrote each other during the time that we both served as missionaries for our church, and I appreciated his letters.  They were encouraging and uplifting and made me laugh.  Now and then I wondered, "Will I marry him?" And then, right before I came home, he told me he was moving away to go to graduate school the week before my return.   When I read that sentence, I was a little sad, but I remember calmly thinking, "Well, that's that.  If we were going to get married, it would have worked out."  I realize now that it wasn't real "I'm in LOVE" love; it was more admiration and friendship mixed with a crush.  But I'll always be grateful to him for his friendship and for helping me see that I could like someone without flipping out.

So no, I didn't marry him.  We went separate ways, and I went back to college, determined to stop acting like a crazy person, and to date like a civilized human being.

When two people THIS awkward meet, it's gotta be love.  Haha, don't we look 14?

But how, you ask, did I go from a terrified, anxiety-ridden relationship avoider to meeting, dating, then marrying the Amazing Patrick Graham?  

That, my friends, is my favorite story.  Read his debut in the second half of my love saga here!  

-Amy

P.S. Ummmm....Please don't ask me for specifics of who these crushes were. 

P.P.S. People who knew me in High School, did I seem as crazy as I think I was? 

P.P.P.S. Did YOU do anything crazy around any of your crushes?  Yes?  Please Tell!  I LOVE awkward stories.  HA!