September 29, 2013

Sunday Thoughts: Your Spouse Can't Heal You

By Amy

I love Patrick!  Ha, he looks so baby-face without his goatee. :)
*Here on SOM, we talk about the things that matter most to us--for many of us that includes our faith and religious beliefs.  I hope that we can all show respect and learn from each other's perspectives, even if they are different from our own.  My story includes my faith in Christ and how He has strengthened me individually and in my marriage.  Thank you for allowing me to open my heart to you!*

You know how when you're first married, older couples look at you, chuckle, and sigh, "Oh newly-wedded bliss!"  Well, sometimes hearing that made me feel pretty crappy.

For us, the first few months were a little less than blissful.  It's hard to admit this too, because I don't want you to think, "Oh man, they have a rocky marriage..."  Cause I am--and forever will be--so grateful to have my loving, kind, funny Patrick for a husband.  Life is good!  :)  But, we had to get to this point.  The truth is: though it's wonderful, marriage isn't perfect.  It's two people coming from different backgrounds trying to become one family unit: unless you are both super easy-going people, with fabulous communication, there's bound to be some issues.  I mean, guys and girls think and react differently and every person has their own unique way of seeing things.  For us, we had to hash out some of these differences right at the beginning.

We had both lived independently for several years and we were used to doing things our own way, without needing someone else's approval.  Suddenly, we were a married couple and we were having a hard time figuring out how to constructively handle differences of opinions.

One night, after a "fight" (we weren't the yelling-and-throwing-things type...we just mostly got hurt and quiet and withdrew from each other) I was laying in bed next to my husband after our nightly prayer.  I wanted to finish talking through the conflict, but he turned over and wanted to let it be.  I wondered, "Doesn't everybody say, "Never go to bed angry?  Aren't we supposed to resolve this now?  Are we going to fail if we can't communicate?"  Tears of frustration and worry about us slid down my face, soaking my pillow.  Though I was right next to my husband, I felt alone.  I was silently willing him to turn to me and say, "I'm sorry.  Let's figure this out.  I love you."

But, he didn't.

I quietly cried, and thought, "I'm sure he knows I'm crying.  Why doesn't he reach out to me?"

I lay there till I couldn't take it anymore.  I slipped out of bed, walked into the living room, and curled up on the couch.  My heart was aching and I needed him to come to me: I didn't need him to tell me I was right, and he was wrong--I just needed him to put his arms around me and to reassure me that he loved me despite the conflict.

After waiting in the dark, cold living room, listening to the clock tick for a long time, the harsh realization came: He is not coming.

I felt crushingly dissapointed by the man who I loved so much.  Sobs shook me as I wondered, "How could he let me suffer alone?"  I ached and cried to my Heavenly Father.  I was so confused--I knew I had made the right decision to marry Patrick--I had felt God's approval and guidance throughout our relationship, unlike I'd ever felt with any other boy.  So why was marriage proving to be so hard?  Why weren't conflicts easy to talk through?  Weren't we supposed to be full of newly-wedded bliss?  And, WHY wasn't Patrick coming to me and making it better?!

When I was all cried out, I lay there sniffling, curled up on the loveseat of our tiny basement apartment, and pondered.  In the quiet, the thought came: "You are looking to the wrong source for healing."

It was so powerful-- a gentle reminder from my loving Heavenly Father.  After pondering this for a few minutes, I again began to pray.  I told my Father how my heart was aching.  I explained that I knew it was good and right for Patrick and I to be husband and wife, but we were having a rough time figuring out how to live together, communicate well, and cooperate.  I told Him that I knew my Savior had already felt my worry and loneliness, and tonight I desperately needed Him to comfort me.

Immediately, a warm peace filled my empty and aching heart with God's love.  Not many times in my life have I had such a dramatic and immediate answer to prayer...often my answers come with time and patience, but this time, He granted relief as soon as I asked.  Though it may seem like a small thing, to my hurting soul, this was a miracle!

I marveled at the complete love that filled me and basked in it.  With grateful tears in my eyes, I thanked Him for His kindness and for healing my heart.  And, though I was exhausted and my eyes raw, His love was enough.  I took my weary body back to bed, and slipped in next to my husband.

Who was completely deep in sleep.

Wow.  He wasn't stonily ignoring my pain, he was just...sleeping!  Ha--He didn't even know that I was distraught!  It was almost comical how I had expected him to read my mind and come to my rescue, while he was dead asleep.  Over time I've realized he is more of a "let's sleep on it, and talk about it in the morning when we're not so tired." kind of guy.  And that's fine!

This experience was life changing.  I learned that I can't expect that my husband will be able to do/be everything that I need.  He can't "make" me happy or fix all my hurts and worries.  At times he will even be the cause of my pain or disappointment...cause, guess what--he's human!  And there have been and will definitely still be many times that I disappoint and frustrate him--Cause I'm human too!

Also, he can't read my mind.  The only ones who fully and completely know my heart and my thoughts, my desires, and motivations, are my Heavenly Father and His Son.  Jesus Christ knows my  every sorrow, hurt, heartache, guilt, and worry.  He felt my pain and paid for my sins.  

Sometimes, I have to remember, if I am sad or frustrated, and I look to my husband, like, "Why don't you make this better?" then I am asking him to heal me.  And, that is not his role.  He is my partner, my companion, my soundboard, my love, and closest friend--But he is not my Savior.  Just like that gentle reminder to me when I sobbed on the couch, only Christ can fill the role of Savior and Healer.  My husband can give me love, support, and comfort, but true and complete healing only comes through the power of Christ's atonement.  And, I can't fix my hub either.  We both have to turn to the Lord as individuals and as a couple.  If do all that I can to make life good (even when it's not easy) and rely on my Savior--He will fulfill me.  His love will radiate through me as I reach out to my husband, children, neighbors, and every person I meet.  (In other words, let your light so shine!  Mathew 5:14-16)  His love will enable me to be more Christ-like and be a better spouse.  It was eye-opening to see that I had unrealistic expectations of my spouse and of marriage in general.

Now, we are SO much better at being married folks.  It's crazy to think back on that night and how sad I was.  And even though it seems a bit dramatic now, I feel protective of the vulnerable girl I was on that night, and grateful to her for accepting a humbling message from the Lord and for her desire to change.  You know what?  I'm SO glad to be done with the newlywed time.  I like being a couple years in.  (three and a half...woot woot!  Haha...I know, we're babies.)  We're comfortable in our marriage.  It feels safe and warm.  It's a joy to share my life with such a good man who makes me laugh all the time.  Seeing him with our baby boy makes my heart swell with love and gratitude.  We try to see the good in each other and forgive each other for mistakes (like he did when I accidentally left a half gallon of acrylic paint in the living room and my toddler dumped it all over the carpet...NOT cool.)   Of course we still have conflicts and get super bugged at each other, but we try to let go of the small stuff, and talk out the important stuff. (and I try to remember that he usually isn't ready to discuss it immediately, but needs some time)  This is soooo much better than both our natural reactions to conflict--retreating from each other and being silent.  So, we aren't perfect, but we're both trying.  And God fills in the gaps.

I believe with all of my heart that regardless of marital status (single, divorced, etc) or problems in a marriage, when we are doing all we can to follow Christ, we will feel love, peace, and fulfillment.  Even in trials.  I'm not just saying that either...I know it and I've felt it.  I believe in the Savior's promise to each of us that He will carry our burdens.  And all of us will go through some really bad crap in this life--heavy, heavy burdens that make us tremble under the weight.  Though I don't know what each of your hidden battles are, I do know that God does.  He loves you.  He sent His Son for you, and through the Savior, you can be lifted and strengthened and healed--He's just waiting for you to turn to Him!

Friends, thank you for letting me open my heart to you! :)  I gotta get cheesy for a minute and tell you that I love you!  It's been amazing to feel your support, read your stories, and hear your comments since starting this blog.  And because I love you, I wanted to share with you what means the most to me: my faith in God and His Son.  Whatever your beliefs, I hope you know and believe that YOU have so much worth--because you do! 
---

Ps. I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, and experiences about finding joy in marriage!  How does your spirituality impact your relationship with your spouse?  And, if you appreciated this post, please Like/Share so others can join in the conversation!  Thank you!  :)

What YOU have to say is important and worthwhile; We'd love to hear from you!  So...don't forget I'm looking for ladies (...Like YOU! :) ) to share stories, experiences, insights, tips, projects, etc. here on SOM!  It's fun to guest post...please check out the "Wanna contribute?" tab on the right margin and contact me for more deets!


23 comments:

  1. I love this post.

    I am totally going against the grain by saying that I don't subscribe to the "never go to bed angry" philosophy. Sleeping on the issue, and then addressing it in the morning when everyone has rested, has some perspective, and is no longer emotionally charged, is way better than trying to stay up all night and hash it out. In the morning, I usually have let go of whatever my hang up was, and can better resolve/compromise. But, whatever works for each couple!

    My hubby would rather resolve it right then, and so we have both learned that in order to avoid these situations, we try not to start these kinds of conflict conversations right when it is time for bed.

    Also, early in our marriage right after we moved to TX we had a big conflict and I had a similar situation to you. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried my little heart out in prayer to Heavenly Father. I recognized that in order for our marriage to survive (and be happy), that one of us would have to change, and that I only had control over myself, so it would have to be me. And I didn't want to change. So I asked Heavenly Father to soften my heart and help me first to WANT to change, and then to help me change. I knew I couldn't do it on my own. It worked! :D

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    1. Tracy, that is such a good point...we can only control ourselves. I've learned that there's usually fault and room for improvement by both spouses, even when I think that my husband is SO in the wrong! Haha! But, it can be hard, and it can take prayer to want to understand and see our spouses perspective.

      For the "never go to bed angry" thing, yeah, I think that statement is definitely not a one size fits all. I think it also depends on if your'e a night person or not...I like talking at night, but my husband is just irritated, cause he wants to sleep. SO if it's too late, then those conversations don't go that well anyway. Ha! I try to think of it as, what if he woke me up at 6:30 am to have some deep conversation? I'd be TICKED! And totally uncooperative. So, yeah, we try to address things when we both are awake and ungrumpy. Thank you so much for your comment! Your insights have always meant a lot to me. Love you!

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  2. Sorry I am always commenting! But I love your blog. Thanks for sharing. I think a lot of people can relate, myself included, and its not always easy to share out loud. Very good post.

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    1. Ha...UM, Brittany did you just apologize for commenting!? Ha! NO way, I love comments. It's so nice to feel heard. And, I especially love your comments. THank you! :)

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  3. I'm starting to wonder if everyone has a night like this. On mine I was actually so upset I drove away. Poor Matt slept through the whole thing. Ha I think it came from only a few months marriage and the fact that I was barely twenty. He had no clue I was even upset because we didn't argue. I'm more a suffer in silence type. I'm not even sure what I was upset about any more. It's a challenge, but marriage can be amazing. The key is communication. ;-)

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    1. Ha, he just slept though it, huh? Hahah... Yep, it can be scary to talk about issues, especially for us who retreat and clam up when it comes to conflict. maybe everybody does have a night like this! :) Thanks for your comment, Emily!

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  4. Hey Amy not sure if you remember me from our Europe travels, but just wanted to let you know I think your blog is great! This is a great post so relatable I think most couples have those fights and tears learning to live together thanks for sharing your experience its very uplifting

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    1. Chelsey--yes! I remember you! :) Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

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  5. Totally understand that! I had a whole night of thinking Paul was mad at me and I couldn't get him to answer me. Turned out he fell asleep and just rolled over fast and was grumpy in his sleep. He woke up toe puffy eyed and asking what I'd done and last he knew he was kissing me! But I'd had a few of those nights waiting for him to come talk more. It doesn't work. Everyone has to find their way of working things out.

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    1. Haha...yeah, you end up waiting a looong time. :) That is so funny that he didn't even remember being grumpy! Yes, now and then, I'll cuddle up to Patrick and he'll scoot away quickly, and I'll be all hurt, and then I realize, "Ok, I can't get offended--He is asleep, for heaven sake! He doesn't even know he did it!" Ha.

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  6. Hi Amy, I love this post - it's so real and heartfelt! I totally can relate, too. So many times in the early years of my marriage I had all these assumptions running through my head about what my husband must be thinking/feeling which were totally not true. It's only as I started really understanding him did I stop being so sensitive - this also helped me to love him better. And as we both look to God and walk with Him, we grow closer to each other. It gets better with each year (we are going on 12 now)! Thanks for sharing this post! :)

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    1. Yay for 12 years! :) Yeah, I agree--there's a point when you don't have to be so sensitive anymore. For me, it was as we became for comfortable and safe in our relationship, I knew that he would never hurt me on purpse. SO, when he did hurt my feelings, I tried to give him the benifit of the doubt instead of jumping to take offense. I'd think, "He probably didn't mean it that way." or "I bet he didn't realize I wanted to do ____. I should have told him." Thanks for your comment! :)

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  7. Great post and insight. We've had several instances where we are reminded of this. Sometimes you forget. ;)

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  8. Love this post Amy! Pinned and Google +ed it! Thanks for sharing your heart!
    Ash

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  9. This is an awesome post. Sharing!
    Marcie @ I Gotta Try That

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  10. Such a great post Amy! I have been in this same situation quite a few times. It's hard for spouses to understand each other at the beginning of marriage and even later on. Thanks for the reminder to include the Savior in our search for help :)

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    1. Yeah, that's true...its something I'm sure we'll keep working on through our marriage. :) Thanks for reading! :)

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  11. I just LOVE when you share things like this so that I don't feel like I'm crazy for going through the same things. I thought marriage was going to be a cinch from day one, hahaha. I LOVE being married and have a wonderful husband, but we both have to work at it- learn, change, make sacrifices. That's what we are here to do and learn. And through it all we grow closer to the Savior. I have totally learned that HE is the one we have to turn to and in so doing we become closer to Him AND our spouse!! Thanks again Amy!

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  12. Amy,

    Thanks so much for sharing this at Spiritual Sundays. I know that feeling, wanting your husband to be there for you and finding out he's asleep! Haha that happens to us all the time.

    I think that's so true, isn't it? We need to look to our Savior for healing. What a great reminder.

    I hope to hear more about you soon!
    Brittany

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  13. Love this post! Followed you over here from Spiritual Sundays at Brittany Bullen. I think it takes a while to get the perspective in marriage that one disagreement isn't the end of the world and some things take time (like, more than an hour) to fully resolve - but that's okay! Even if you don't see eye to eye on something really serious, you can still love each other and have a good marriage during the days, months, or even years while you're working through it!

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