10 Reasons Why I Don't Want to talk about PostPartum Anxiety/Depression (Post 1 of a 3 Part Mental Health Series)

I'm BACK!! Hollaaaaaaah!! (... too much? 😂 K. Toning it down now.)

It's kinda weird to be back here! A few years ago, almost all of my evenings (into the wee hours of the night) were spent typing away on this blog, spilling my guts, editing my posts, and editing the contributed posts of other ladies. And I loved it! For me, blogging was always about storytelling and connection: opening up about the good, the bad, the funny, and the hard.  I wanted a place where we could cry together and lift each other, and--above all--be REAL. I yearned to make a more comfortable, open space in the land of blogs, which was often filled with filtered, edited images of immaculate homes, perfect size two outfits, and posed kids in WHITE clothes. 😂

During that time, I was lucky enough to meet, and occasionally get help/mentoring, from several amazing lady bloggers--some who have massive blogs and followings. I found that these women really are SO cool and kind.

And, I realized that, just like you and me, these blogging ladies are all REAL mommas with REAL kids who pee the bed and throw epic exorcism-like tantrums in Walmart. But, that isn't what we always focused on when we saw blogs, right? Many of us felt inadequate and less-than after reading. Like, more than we EVER needed to. And, that certainly wasn't what the blogger intended! For me, I'd see a post from a lady with a gorgeous house, enthusiastically telling me how a weekly cleaning list would change my life, and end up screaming at my computer, "DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!!" Haha. ...because deep-cleaning isn’t my strong point. (I’m just trying to keep up with the dishes and laundry!) I'd feel pretty lame when I realized that their weekly cleaning tasks are my monthly (*cough* or every couple months…) tasks. And some things on their lists, I just don’t do. (Wash windows? Is that a thing? Haha) So, I know all-too-well how easy it is to fall into that comparison trap!

BUT! I always appreciated it SO much when bloggers would share their real life stories and struggles--those were the meaningful moments that made us feel like we were part of a big group of friends, supporting each other! Like we're all in this together! (As crooned by wee little Zac Efron in High School musical. Let's all take a moment and have a slow clap for how well HE aged. I mean, greatest Showman?? Yeeeeeeah.)

So, I loved that part of blogs and blogging! Nowadays, it feels like blogging is soooo 2012. Haha. Do people do it anymore? Well, I mean besides the few bloggers who were successful enough to now be doing stuff like writing books or working as influencers for Target and Lowes??!

Anywhooo...that sure isn't me. But, let me explain:

Why I Stopped Blogging and Why the Heck I'm Posting Again.

It’s been well over two years since I’ve written anything here. My words are soo freaking rusty. Back when I started SOM (6 years ago) and I wrote here weekly, the thoughts flowed easily, happy to pour out and be heard. Writing was therapeutic--My way to sort through my feelings on my new journey of mommahood.

Now, motherhood isn't new anymore, and my words are stubborn, reluctant, and ornery--just like my toddler. 😆 My thoughts want to stay safe, secluded, and un-judged in my harried mom-brain, while I watch "Call the Midwife" on Netflix and have a good bawl session--cause I'd rather process THEIR emotions than my own. ha! Processing my own takes too much mental energy, and by the end of the day, I'm exhausted. My DESIRE to write petered out as well. (Kinda like my desire for bathing my kids every night.) As time passed, and I had a few more kids, I started craving a nightly time for PEACE. RELAXATION. NO THINKING. NO NEEDS. I wanted to mentally ESCAPE the daily momma routine, not spend my precious late evenings writing and mulling around every detail of it! Also, I got pretty overwhelmed with life when I became pregnant with my third, and after he arrived. I was in survival-mode for a long time.

Though I petered out with blogging, I still wanted to write a specific post--the post that I really wanted to read myself when I was nervously pregnant with my third: an honest analysis of transitioning from 2 to 3 kids. Yet, here I am...almost three years later, over nine (!) started (and abandoned) drafts later, and I still haven't shared a post about the transition. Which kinda tells you EXACTLY how that transition went. Haha. In two years I couldn't achieve the perfect converging of uninterrupted time, mental/emotional capacity, and desire/motivation to get myself to start and finish a post! TWO YEARS PEOPLE!! I'd just given up and moved on.

But, sometimes life is funny, and we come back to something that is--in our minds--LONG GONE.

A while back, I was listening to a speaker in a large church meeting of several congregations in my area (called a Stake Conference for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) and one of our area leaders was speaking to us about serving others and letting the light of Christ shine through us. His words really stirred my soul. So, that night, I decided I would ask God how exactly I could "Shine my light" to others when I am mostly at home with my kiddos. WAIT--I KNOW that sharing my love and faith with my own family is one of my greatest purposes in life! But I also know that God wants us to reach outside of our own circle of family and friends!

So, I knelt down next to my bed before going to sleep that night, like I always do, and I prayed. The conversation went a little like this: -"Heavenly Father, I want to share thy love with others, but...I'm not sure how. I need help. So....what can I do to shine my light?"

After a minute of me sitting quietly, this thought came to my mind:

"Blog again. Share your experience with PostPartum Depression."



................ "Uhhh........Come again?"

And it did:

"Share your experience with postpartum depression."

Um...NOT what I expected. Or wanted to hear.

For the past two years, I've struggled off and on with periods of anxiety and postpartum depression. Definitely not all the time--much of the time I feel pretty good--but then I've had some pretty bad "down" times. It's not something I've talked about much. That's why I KNEW this thought hadn't come from me, cause I would have NEVER thought of that on my own. In fact, I REALLY did not want to talk about anxiety/depression. Here's why:

10 Reasons Why It's HARD for me to Talk About PostPartum Anxiety/Depression

 >>First of all, please know that I'm doing well now. The fact that I'm doing so much better is the only reason why I CAN talk about this stuff--cause I’m in a good enough place to be able to open up. I am proactively working on my mental/emotional health, and have been for over a year. That feels good to say. My guess is that most the people I see in my neighborhood and church wouldn't even know that I've struggled for the past two years. And, usually, when I’m out in public, I AM doing well, because being around people lifts me up and energizes me!

BUT. I'm sharing these reasons for others to see WHY someone might not be open about struggling with their mental health. And, for some of you, it might be helpful to recognize the reasons that might be holding YOU back from seeking the help you need. It seems so obvious to just, "Reach out to someone! Ask for help!" But, sometimes it can feel like the last think you want to do--or can do!--though you know you should.<<<

Ok...now that's out of the way, back to The List:

Reason #1: I am out of practice at being really open and vulnerable online. It takes a lot of guts. 

I have become a wuss, in other words. Ha. Though I had loved blogging before, it can be hard to be so open in a “public” place. And, now, to use that public place to talk about my personal MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES takes “vulnerable” to a whole new level! (Like “bursting-into-tears-in-front-of-your-whole-grade-in-the-middle-of-the-Jr-High-cafeteria” embarrassing.) Blogging about mental health is way harder than blogging about how much I despise potty-training. haha!

Reason #2: I am hesitant to talk about struggles in motherhood because I don't want to sound--or be--ungrateful.

When I feel the need to talk about the hard parts of motherhood—I often stop and shame myself: “How dare you talk about something hard about having a baby?! Don’t you know how lucky you are?” I’ve seen several people who I am close to ache and struggle through the trial of infertility. I never want to be insensitive to ANYONE in that place. Infertility is such a total jerk. Like, if it was a person, I’d punch that fool right in the face, as hard as I could. I DO know how lucky I am to have my three boys.

Please know that, even when I talk about the hard parts, there is always a huge, underlying gratitude that I was given the blessing of being a mom to my boys! And, in all actuality--I have so much good in my life! We have water. We have food. We have a safe, comfortable home. My husband has a good job. Lots of people in this world don't have those things! I am lucky to have so much and I am so blessed with wonderful people in my life!! I never want people to think that my struggle with depression reflects on those closest to me. Like my husband, Patrick--he is so awesome! I mean, no marriage is perfect, but I think we are perfect for each other. We make a pretty freaking great team!(Love you, Patty! 😘) My times of feeling down are not a reflection on him or our life…in fact, that’s part of the reason I knew I had depression! I was struggling in spite of all the good I had. It didn't make sense.

Reason #3: I’ll admit--I am worried about how I will be perceived.

Maybe if I admit I've struggled with my mental health, I will be seen as weak or as someone who needs special treatment. I also don’t want to be seen as a depressing, down person, who used to be “way more fun”. Being a happy, fun person has always been a big part of my identity! So, to no longer be that person to others—or to MYSELF!—feels like I’m losing who I am. I think, maybe I’m afraid that if I admit I’m no longer “fun Amy”, I’ll be losing the reason why people liked me, and why I liked myself. So I usually keep “depressing” struggles to myself.

Reason # 4: I don’t want to worry my loved ones!

Over the past few years, I have told a few people I trust about my struggle with anxiety/depression, and I always have this weird conflict afterward: I feel simultaneously relieved to have opened up, and horribly guilty for burdening someone I love with someone/something else in their life to worry about. Cause, we all got out own crap to deal with! And, if you don’t think someone has problems, you’re wrong. We allll invited to THAT that party. Haha!

Reason # 5: I feel ashamed that I’ve struggled so much with having three kids.

Honestly, during the past two years, there have been many times when I’ve felt deeply disappointed in myself, cause I thought I’d be much better at this motherhood thing. (After all, I've always loved kids, babysat a ton, spent lots of time with my nieces and nephews, graduated with a degree in education, worked as a special-ed para, and taught art in public schools!) And I’m not saying that I’m THE WORST at being a mom…I mean, I love my kids, and I provide for their needs, and I sometimes manage to do something fun now and again, but some days, patience runs out about 3 minutes after I've woken up, which generally results in me hollering at them all day, bursting into tears multiple times--or both. In general, there’s been a lot more yelling, tears (from them and me), frustration, fighting, unhappiness, and timeouts than I pictured. My boys are hilarious and sweet and I love the heck out of each one, but they are also all BUSY, HYPER, LOUD and DETERMINED. ("Determined" is the nice way to say they turn into the Hulk when they don't get their way...well, the two younger boys two are violent, crying, ragers and my oldest turns into a crying, hysterical lawyer, very articulately arguing every point in his favor...like for hours.)  So, yeah, it can be overwhelming. Like, everyday.

My kids remind me A LOT of Dennis the Menace...oh, and they LOOK like him too. Haha.

I also compare myself to other moms—moms that have more kids than I, yet seem to be doing much better than I am! I grew up in a family of 6! My husband comes from a family of 5! I have many friends with 4 kids. Two of my sisters have 5 kids. Any of THEM have a right to be overwhelmed. How is it that I am totally overwhelmed and struggling with just 3 kids? It’s almost like another huge part of my identity--that I am good with kids--was shaken because I have WAY less patience and WAY more overwhelm in motherhood than I thought I would. And, to be honest, I fear other moms looking at me and saying, “Oh poor you. *eyeroll* Please. Try taking care of 5 kids!” And I’m like, “Nope. I’m barely getting on as it is. Kudos to you!!” And I sincerely mean that!

I have sooo appreciated experienced moms who say things like, “Oh, it’s hard no matter how many kids you have.” That is healing, validating balm to my soul.

Reason #6: I Don't Want to Be an "Attention Seeker".

This is a big issue for me that has held me back in many ways for a long time. It stems from my childhood. I have always been...loud? IS that the word for it? Not in an in-charge way, more of a hyper, preforming kind of way. I was, what most would call a "show-off" as a kid. I was singing before I could talk, I danced a lot, and I just wanted to show you!! And I TALKED. Boy did I talk. (I'm sorry my past teachers!) I loved being friends with everyone, and I've always genuinely loved people. So, I talked a lot regardless of who I sat by! This meme is my life.

It also didn't help that I had the loudest laugh in any class! 😆😬 I got in trouble SO MUCH.

I was A LOT. The high-energy, preforming personality made me seem super "attention-seeking". I remember being told by my sibling, "You're not cute anymore, Amy." (Haha, I ADORE my siblings, by the way. I'm not trying to throw them under the bus, haha. I know I had def my times of being awful and annoying to them!!!) But, when the shaming for being a "show-off" started sinking in as I got a bit older, as well as the middle school "fear of what others thought", I toned myself down A LOT. Now, some amount of toning down is ok, and actually good! I learned over the years to not blurt out constantly in class--and that showed respect to my teachers and helped me to prepare for adulthood, where you have to be able to be focused and quiet at times! And, I also learned how to help OTHERS have time in the spotlight. And that brings me great joy!! But, I think, after years of shaming myself, it has almost become a phobia of putting myself out there too much. It is soo natural to be talkative, and everytime I talk too much in a group, I get so mad at myself afterward for being an "attention-hog".

Reason #7: I don't want to make people with no kids to think having children is awful.

I NEVER want people to hear my experiences and think, "YIKES. And, THAT'S why I'm never having kids!" Because I do NOT regret having my three kids. It has been a privilege to bring them into this world and be their momma. I adore each one!!!

At the same time, I want to honestly acknowledge that becoming a mother has absolutely come at personal sacrifice. As it has for EVERY mother throughout time!! My mother made sacrifices to bring the 6(!) of us into the world. As did her parents, as did everyones' parents, and grandparents and great grandparents! All the way back to Adam and Eve, parents--especially moms--make physical, mental, and emotional sacrifices, and literally give of themselves--their own bodies!--to bring children into the world. We do for the next generation, what was selflessly done for us. Now it's our turn. It's the cycle of life. After we've been given so much, WE get to give. It has been my privilege to join in that holy sacrifice, and my blessing to have the great joy that comes with it. I mean, look at the following ADORABLENESS and tell me that having kids isn't worth it?

Reason #8: I Dislike Putting Out Negativity

I want to be uplifting, not drag people down. SO, I feel weird to be putting out "negative" things on purpose by talking about personal struggles.

Reason #9: This isn't an "in the past" story.

I am still in this. I probably will be for a long time. Ever since I was an awkward teen and my hormones started kicking in, they brought anxiety issues with them. (Along with lame-o skin issues, haha. Lucky me.) And, when my anxiety goes on hyperdrive for too long, I crash and sink into depression. So, I really can’t wrap up my experience with anxiety and post partum depression with a cheery, “I am so grateful this is all behind me and I am such a stronger person now!” Even though I am doing so much better--really, mental health issues usually stay a part of someone for years, if not their whole life. Not that they can't rise above it and live a happy life--it's just something they will always have to be vigilant and diligent about.

Reason #10:  Mental health can be a tricky/sensitive subject.

I worry that I don't have the right to speak on behalf of those who deal with anxiety and depression, since many suffer far more than me. Some can’t get out of bed for days and weeks. For me, it is milder than that. Maybe, though--that’s why I should talk about it…so others can recognize in themselves a lesser version of anxiety or depression, especially since they might not relate to the extreme cases that are often talked and written about.

Also, if you talk about depression or anxiety medications on a public forum, and you DEFINITELY will get a whole host of opinions. And, I hate mud-slinging fights online, so I’ve been hesitant to start a conversation, not knowing how it would go. Some people end up feeling judged and misunderstood, and get really defensive. Others feel they have the right to judge the treatment decisions of others. Neither ends up very pretty. Really, a decision about treatment of a mental health issue is between you and your doctor. For me, it’s also been a matter of prayer, research, and discussion with my doctor, husband and others I trust who’ve been down this road. Cause everyone is different, and MY decision will look different than someone elses!

............
OK. WHEW.

So those were the 10 reasons I DON'T want to talk about this. But. Here are:

The Two reasons Why I'm doing this anyway.

#1: God told me to.

Haha. Not in a, “I’m scared of His punishment so I’d better do what He says” kind of way…it's because I trust Him and know that if He wants me to open up about this when I really don’t want to, then there must be a reason. I trust that He helps me do hard things. He's never failed me before!

#2: Maybe I CAN shine a light to others!

Even if only a few benefit from me opening up about this, then it is worth it to me. Maybe my light of hope can help brighten their own path and light their way, and maybe they won't feel so alone! I know there have been others who have honestly shared their mental health journey publicly or just with me, who don’t even know how much they've helped me! I think it's important to normalize talking about mental health, and for people to share their journeys. And, if I believe that, then why not me?

Check out those under-eye wrinkles! haha! I didn't have those before I had my third kid, haha! But, I love this pic, because it is one of those totally loving/peaceful moments with one of my kids.

...........

Coming to the realization that I was struggling with post-partum anxiety/depression lifted a burden off of my shoulders. I could finally see that I didn’t just "suck at life", but that I was dealing with out-of-wack hormones, especially high cortisol levels (aka the stress hormone) which gave me a constant high level of anxiety. This was greatly diminishing my ability to cope with normal life stressors since I was already running at emotional/mental max...which resulted in depression crashes. And, since my daily life as a mom of three young boys was filled with constant stressors, I was continually being emotionally and mentally pushed to my limit. It was such a relief to hear that I wasn’t crazy or a just a failure! There was a real, legitimate reason for how I felt: I was battling high anxiety and depression. Realizing that helped me move into a space of compassion for myself. I also gained a strong resolve to learn and do all that I could to better my mental/emotional health. I feel like sharing my journey--along with helping others on their path-- is an important part of healing for me. So, for whatever it might be worth, I am going to spill my guts. And, I am still not thrilled about doing it. But, I can do hard things! I've also seen the example of brave family members and friends who have shared their mental health struggles...they inspire and lend courage to me, as well as normalize conversations about mental health!

Hopefully my experiences can give you some insight into the struggle of someone around you who is dealing with mental health issues, or feel less alone if YOU are the one fighting this battle. (HUGS to YOU, friend!!)

Here's how this will go:

In the next post, which I'll post next Sunday, I’ll explain what it was like having three babies in 4 years and describe my struggle with postpartum anxiety and depression. (This is the VULNERABLE one. Yeesh.)

Then, in the last post, (the following Sunday) I'll share what I am doing to move forward. (Yay! The happy one!!)

And, I’m not going to share ANY of this till they are ALL written, cause I know myself. Haha! I can struggle with follow-through since I have a lot going on in my life with kids, church service, my art business, teaching classes, etc.

Because this is so vulnerable, please join me in being vulnerable too! That would help my "OK... I'm freaking out, did I really just share THAT?" panic that I am SURE is going to come right after I push publish! 😂 Please comment, either below and/or on Facebook. I’d so love to hear your experiences. Have you dealt with mental health issues? Have you felt reluctant to share or get help? What held you back? Which of my reasons do you most relate to?

I’m going to see how it goes to blog again every once and a while. I know most of us don’t read blogs as much as we used to. But, if there are ladies willing to contribute, I’d love to use this again as a platform for others to share their own stories and experiences about the things that matter most to them! Let me know if you've got a story to share. :)

And, finally...Thank you for caring to hear another human’s story and for being a safe place to share. Love to you, friends!

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