Swag on, momma!: Newlyweds

By Zoie

Introduced by Amy

Zoie is married to my crazy little bro, Aaron, and thank goodness she is so cool! I always worried about who my little bro would end up marrying, cause he and I were always close and I wanted to like his wife...let me tell you, Zo does not disappoint! I affectionately call her Zo Zo, and she kindly puts up with it. She is fearless--example: she up and moved to China for several months to improve her Chinese and to experience the culture...she probably learned how to be a ninja on the weekends. Seriously, she is cool and so fun. We talk art and blogs and life and family, and I love her!

-Amy

My biggest pet peeve is pessimism about marriage.
Fun fact: Marriage is the greatest thing ever.
Not-so-fun fact: People are people; sometimes marriages fail or even just become dull.
However, there is every reason to be optimistic about marriage. It is so much fun and so rewarding. However, like most good things, you have to work for a good marriage.

So, I would like to share some of the best marriage advice that I have received that has kept my relationship with my husband strong and rewarding.

1. NEVER SAY THE “D” WORD
Divorce isn’t funny, so don’t joke about it unless you want it to happen.

2. THINGS IN PRIVATE STAY IN PRIVATE
Pretty self-explanatory. You don’t need to go blabbing all of the things your spouse does or doesn’t do to the whole world, especially friends and parents. Just keep it to yourself.

3. IF YOU LIE, I’LL SWEAR BY IT
There’s nothing more awkward than watching a couple constantly contradict each other in public, especially if it’s something stupid like the date and time they met (and they just have to resolve before they can finish the story). Also, there’s nothing more embarrassing than telling your friends something cool you did only to have the spouse jump in and say that you’re exaggerating or lying.
It’s wrong to lie; I’m not saying you should let your spouse be a chronic liar. I’m just saying that if your spouse exaggerates a little bit or tells a story wrong on accident, don’t freak out. Just go with it and let your spouse be cool for a little bit. Correct them later, but don’t embarrass them in front of friends.

4. IT’S OVER
If you had a fight and it’s over, never, I repeat, NEVER, bring it up again. Your spouse probably feels guilty about it and doesn’t need to be reminded about it, and you don’t need to use it as leverage for the rest of your marriage. That’s a terrible thing to do. So if your spouse scratched the car backing out and you forgave them, let it be over, don’t hesitate every time you give them the car keys. That’s not fair to them.

5. GO WITH THEM
If your spouse is going to Wal-Mart to grab some milk or headed over to talk to the neighbors real quick, go with them if you can. Chances are you’ll have fun and you’ll end up spending a little more time together.

Caught in a downpour in downtown Chicago

6. NEVER MAKE FUN IN PUBLIC
One of the most attractive* things I’ve ever seen a person do is praise their spouse. We were over at their house and the husband was talking about what a good job his wife did teaching her workout classes and how talented she was. Contrast this to a spouse who tells everyone how off-key she sings or how messy the bathroom is.
This is some of the advice that I feel the most passionate about. Don’t make fun of your spouse in public. Just don’t. Praise them and trust me, it will strengthen your marriage faster than anything else.
*(I don’t mean to say that I was attracted in a romantic way, just that it made me really respect them as a person.)

7. FRIENDS
Friends are important, but avoid having close friends of the opposite sex. This one was hard for me when we first got married, because all of my friends were guys, but I can see how much it has strengthened our marriage. Don’t text members of the opposite sex or do the Facebook thing. If you do have these kind of relationships, make sure that they are very public. For example, if your friend from high school got married or had a baby, go ahead and say congratulations on their Facebook wall or something. That’s fine. But constantly texting someone of the opposite gender or things of that nature can get you into trouble very quickly. So many marriages are ruined this way. Having couple friends or friends of your same gender is the easiest way to avoid this problem. However, if you have friends of the opposite gender, keep it public and keep the appropriate distance.

8. SHARE A COMMON GOAL
There’s nothing that can pull a couple apart faster than different ideals and values. For my husband and I, our religion helps strengthen our marriage a ton. Reading scriptures and saying prayers (with and for each other) helps our marriage stay strong. I am so grateful for a husband that shares those same beliefs and ideals. So, if you’re religious, be strong in your religion. It will pull you two together. If not, find a common goal or practice; the consistency and working together will help your relationship.

9. LEAVE TWO THINGS UNSAID EVERY DAY
Sometimes I’ll go to ask my husband to do something or pick something up, but I’ll replace the request with “I love you.”
Studies show that expressing anger does not actually relieve it, but increases your feelings of anger. So leave it unsaid unless it’s a really big deal. Kind words are so much stronger than criticism.

10. EXTREME NICE
A few months ago, I read a book that described a woman’s quest to be happier. One of the things that helped her was to play “Extreme Nice,” a game she made up. It’s about like it sounds. Make the bed, do the dishes, write a kind note, call them at lunch. Be as nice as you possibly can. Your spouse will reciprocate and you’ll find yourself happier every day, not just from their deeds of kindness, but because you are serving them.

Gnomes for Halloween! Hah!

For the Girls:
- Treat Him Like a King
- Let Your Hair Down- Be an attractive woman! Take care of yourself. Your hubby will love it and you’ll feel happier. It’s worth the effort.
- Be a Happy Wife- Stop complaining about little things. Greet him at the door with a kiss and some good news. Make your husband want to come home to you, or be excited when you get home.

For the Boys:
- Treat Her Like a Queen
- Ditch the Video Games- Come on, stop playing video games and be a man. One of the most unattractive things a man can do is play video games while ignoring his wife and kids. Addictions are extremely detrimental to a relationship.
- Encourage Beauty- Tell your wife she’s beautiful; notice when she does her hair nice, or she may lose the motivation to impress you.

What marriage advice do you have? Feel free to post in the comments! Thanks!

by Tracy
(Introduced by Amy)

Lookin crazy at a Christmas Party

Tracy and I met in an Art Education class at college. She was so friendly and cool and very enthusiastic (in a good way); it seemed like everyone loved her! To tell the truth, I was intimidated. I thought, "She's so cool; she probably doesn't care to be friends with me." (Ugh...Please. How pathetically high school.)

She was always friendly and kind. The more I knew her, the better I liked her. Then, on a school trip to see a high school art show, I asked her if she knew my second cousins who lived in her home town. She told me they were HER first cousins. Say WHAT?! Yep. Tracy and I are totally cousins! (second, once removed, but we'll go with cousins!) Good thing we liked each other! Pretty serendipitous, don't you think? I miss her a lot, now that she lives across the world in Texas. :)

I now count Tracy as one of the people I look up to most. She is funny and smart, and loves to talk (as do I, so neither of us feels talked over! haa). Though she has dealt with some super hard experiences in her life, (but those are her stories to tell) she continues to have a rock solid faith in God. She serves and reaches out to others easily; it's just part of her nature. And...she probably is the coolest mom and wife ever. Plus she loves art, so of course she is amazing! She has been my greatest support and brainstormer in starting "Swag On". I love this girl! Check out her fabulous blog: thepodgefiles.blogspot.com.
--Amy

Two months after getting married in my home state of Alaska, I moved with my new husband to west Texas- thousands of miles from any family or friends. This was my first time being truly by myself without any siblings, cousins, or high school friends around to socialize with and have as a backup support group. It was just my sweetheart and me in the middle of nowhere, TX.

While I was glad to move to a new state and start my marriage in a fresh new place, rely on each other, and have new adventures while we started our family, it was very difficult being without any friends. I remember being lonely and fervently praying that I would be able to meet people that I could connect with who would be true friends.

I am not a shy person at all, and usually make friends easily. What I was unprepared for was the difference of being newlyweds in a social community (mostly at church) that was full of married families with many children and/or empty nesters. Everyone we interacted with was very friendly, but it seemed like I really needed friends- but no one else did. Their lives were already full of children, work, and the business of everyday life. They didn’t need a new friend in their lives- all of their needs were already being met by the family and friends they already had.

In addition, making friends once you are married is a whole new experience since now you are looking for a couple (most likely) that both you, and your husband, get along with equally well.

It was even more difficult since the area we live in has a large amount of military families that are transient. Many are military students who are only here for a few months, and others are instructors who are only here for a few years. This poses a problem because people can be hesitant to reach out and try to make new friends when they know you (or they) won’t be here for long.

After praying, I realized that there were things I could do to find a kindred spirit. Here is what I have learned after living here for four years.

1. Go to everything, and keep going.

This was my first line of defense when it came to making new friends. I feel very blessed that our church has a program especially for women to interact and get to know one another. It even provides a ladies night once a month for activities and classes. I made a point to go to every single activity- even though for most of them no one sat by me or talked to me, and I felt like a big loser. I did not let this deter me! I kept going.
I knew the importance of face time and letting people see me consistently. Eventually they would start to recognize me, and learn that I was around to stay. I was someone that they would see again, so it was worth coming up to me and introducing themselves and learning my name. It also showed those that were in charge that they could at least count on me attending- that I was dependable and wanting to make connections with other women. You can’t make friends if you don’t put yourself in situations to do so.

Similarly, I went to every church meeting every Sunday and participated. I made comments and interacted with those sitting around me. I made sure that I made my presence known and that I was willing to open my mouth and contribute.

2. Identify, help, and invite.

This was my second line of defense in my plan to make friends. First, I identified someone that I really liked and wanted to become closer friends with, then a made a plan to make it happen.

At the time, the woman I wanted to befriend had four daughters under the age of eight and was pregnant with her fifth. Her husband was serving in the leadership of our congregation and so she sat by herself during meetings trying to manage her girls alone. I saw a need she had and jumped at the opportunity to help. This is the second step.

We started sitting in her pew every Sunday and helped her with her children. This gave us a great opportunity to get to know her better and let a friendship start to blossom naturally.

The third step in my plan was to invite her and her family to do something with us outside of church. You have to realize that people are busy and even if they are interested in being friends, you have to find something that will work for them too.

In my opinion, the best way to do this is to invite people over to your home for dinner and/or games. Everyone needs to eat dinner, and who doesn’t love a free one that they didn’t have to make themselves?

Having someone in your home gives them the opportunity to learn where you live, see how you live/your lifestyle, and have a relaxed and comfortable space to get to know each other better. Keep in mind if they have kids what time they usually eat dinner, food allergies/preferences, and what time they usually put their kids to bed- and plan accordingly. We once had a family over and I made two huge crock-pots of split pea soup- which was not well received by the three young children.

In addition, if a family has young children, make sure any games you play are games that everyone can participate in. Something like Apples to Apples is a good choice for a first time over.

Lastly, a very important part of extending an invitation to someone is picking an actual date and time. Just saying, “we should get together sometime” is not enough. It will most likely never happen. If you are serious about a friendship, make it happen by making it official and picking a date and time. Be proactive.

A. Pick someone you would like to be friends with

B. Find a way to help them

C. Invite them to a play date, dinner, or games at a specified date and time

3. Say Yes!

My last tip is to accept invitations. Even if it is something that you are nervous about attending, it is so important to accept invitations when you get them. It shows people that you want to be friends and gives you opportunities to meet new people at the event at the same time. They could introduce you to a completely new set of people to befriend.

This includes attending work functions with your husband, a baby shower for someone you barely know, and helping someone move.

If you are truly struggling to make friends, you need to start somewhere. Use any invitations from others to brush up on your social skills and practice getting out of your comfort zone. You never know who could become your new best friend unless you give them a chance and put yourself out there.

Even after implementing my plan, it took several months for friendships to grow and blossom, so don’t be discouraged if it takes some time. You might find them in unexpected places.

Our first real friends in Texas were an amazing couple who are closer in age to our parents than us. She was the president of the women’s organization of our local congregation and her husband was the Bishop of our local congregation. They invited us over to watch devotionals on TV and play card games with them, and even invited us over for Christmas dinner our first Christmas away from home. She would also invite me to luncheons with some of the women in our church and gave me rides. I really appreciated her friendship and especially them opening their home to us and inviting us over.

I try to follow their wonderful example by extending the hand of friendship to others and helping them feel loved and included.

--Tracy

What other advice or tips do you have for making new friends? What has worked for you in the past? Please share them in the comments below!