Southernized

By Erica 
Introduced by Amy

Erica and I grew up going to the same church, though I was a few years older than her.  She is super funny and cool...I totally wish I had gotten to know her better back in the day!  I am blown away by her courage; it would not be easy to move far away from friends and family with a little kiddio and babe on the way!  I also completely related to the process she went through to find the good in her new home.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one who takes a while to "cheerfully adjust" to situations that are new and/or less comfortable.  She amazes me!  I hope you enjoy her candid story as much as I did. 
-Amy
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I used to think that I was spontaneous, fun-loving and audacious.  I was wrong.  Dead wrong.  I found out early this year that I am a true homebody with no sense of adventure at all.  It was a tough break and a very eye opening realization.

My husband, Austin, graduated from Brigham Young University in December 2012 and we spent the next couple of months in my parents basement in Idaho searching for a “real” job.  It was fun and romantic imagining our lives in another state, somewhere we'd never been before.  It was a new beginning for our little family. And then ... we weren't imagining anymore.  Suddenly, I found myself 34 weeks pregnant, in an airplane, with a screaming one year old squirming in my lap, headed to a tiny town called Camden, Arkansas.

Okay, it didn't happen THAT easily. After my husband accepted the job offer I was left to decided if I wanted to up and move with him right now, or let him go ahead and find us a place to live and meet him there after I had the baby.  I wrestled the two ideas for days.  I can't tell you how much sleep I lost over this decision.  I made a pro vs. con chart, I asked my friends and family for opinions, I prayed about it, and ultimately we went together.

We arrived in Arkansas on February 11.  I remember the date because our wedding anniversary was the next day and, of course, Valentine's Day followed suit.  Camden has a population of about 12,000.  Now, that's about 3 times the size of the town I grew up in, but the difference is, where I grew up, all shopping, restaurants, movie theaters etc., were a short 15 minute drive from home, in the next town.  In Camden, if you want to see the inside of a store that isn't Walmart, it's a 2 hour drive.  2 hours!  That's nuts.  We are really out in the sticks, here.  We were holed up in a hotel room for 1 week with no fridge or microwave, and during that time we were searching high and low for a place to live.  It was darn near impossible and we ended up getting what seemed like the only available rental in town.  And it is not pretty.  Let me just say this: wood paneling and cockroaches.  Oy. Not the place I wanted to bring my kid to, let alone a newborn!

Camden is about 30 years behind the rest of the world.  The houses are old.  No one has a garage.  The medical system is weird (there are no Ob/Gyn docs here, and I was ready to pop, mind you).  I was scared.  I was homesick.  I was unhappy.  Austin's new job had him gone for 10-12 hours a day and for some reason, being in a new place all alone with my baby had me thinking everyone I saw was a murderer.  The mailman stopped by to introduce himself (that's how nice everyone here really is!) and my heart stopped when I heard him pounding on the door.  I really did think everyone was out to get me!  I would stand and stare out the window like a creep watching the cars go by and I noticed every single one slowed WAY down when it was passing our house.  Was this my imagination?!  What is going on?!  Nope.  We live on a corner intersection with a stop sign.  I was truly paranoid, people.  I know, I'm a weirdo, with a morbid, wild imagination.  I'm working on that.  So, after several weeks of sitting rigidly in my bedroom all day, scared at every single sound, I got over it.

But I still wasn't happy.  All day, every day, I was consumed with anger.  I was angry that my husband moved me so far from all of my family and friends.  I was angry that we had to live in this crappy house that smelled like a dead person and felt damp inside.  I was angry that instead of renting a U-Haul like normal people, we bought a trailer that was way too tiny and had to get rid of a ton of our stuff (that's a story for another day).  I was sending my poor hubs text messages all day about how miserable I was and how horrible my son was being to me (like I was some victim of baby tyranny).  I told him all the time how much I hated it and wanted to find another job some where else.  Talk about annoying!  Austin was working his buns off everyday, doing his best to provide for his family, so I could stay at home with my kids and all I could say was “Why did you bring me here?!”

No.  That is ridiculous, and super ungrateful.

It took some time to realize it but one day I made a goal for myself.  I decided I would go an entire day without sending a negative text to Austin.  It was liberating.  My 1 year old wasn't attacking me personally, he was just being a regular baby.  And I wasn't miserable, I was just pregnant.  And the next day, we went outside and played in the sunshine and I didn't hate it here after all.

I still felt homesick and lonely, though.  Austin and I had a discussion about making friends.  He says to me, “You just need to go make some.”  Hmm, great advice honey, I'll get right on that.  It's hard for me!  He gets to go to work everyday and make friends with his coworkers.  I am lucky to make it to Walmart during the week and maybe get some small talk in with the cashier.  I was sulking about not ever having the same relationship with anyone else that I do my bestie (I'm not hip enough to use that word), Lisa, that I left back in Utah.  We were roommates and got married and had baby boy's together.  We could talk about the nitty gritty and we could always depend on one another.  Fortunately, I belong to a church full of awesome people that are just WAITING to be my friend, and maybe I won't have the same relationship I have with Lisa, because hopefully I won't be put back in the roommate situation, but that's okay!  I can have friends that don't remind me to pluck my “chiskers” (kindly named by my dear friend, meaning chin whiskers) and they don't have to teach me what hemorrhoids are after I push out a 10lb baby (she really is a good friend).

I've already made two trips home since moving but I think it gave me closure.  I am falling in love with the people in this town.  They have the biggest hearts and they bless my life everyday.  I am learning to just be myself and the people that don't run in the other direction will be the ones I call my new friends.  I think I'm off to a good start.  It helps when I speak their language, like saying y’all, fixin' ta, and putting extra emphasis on the Ju in Ju-ly.

I've officially been Southernized. 
-Erica

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Isn't she cool? :)  
So, now it's your turn.  Have you ever moved far away from friends and fam?  How did you get used to your new home and meet new peeps?  We'd love to hear about your experience! :) 
-Amy

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Epic Treehouse Playdate!!!

By Amy

So, remember in my "The Elusive Art of Making Mommy Friends" post, I said I had a goal of setting up more playdates?  Since becoming a mom, I hadn't really jumped on the playdate bandwagon...and I was determined this summer to hop on.  So, after hearing of a bunch of the huge bloggers in the bloggy world having these "epic playdates" sponsored by Hyundai... I thought, "Well, Shoot.  We can totally do EPIC too, sponsor of not!"  (No disrespect, I'm just a little jealous cause we didn't have the funds to go zip-lining through the redwoods...Ha!)

So, in true DIY style, I set out to create our own fabulous shindig.  And, I'm happy to report that a few days ago, my friends Amber, Delilah, and I did indeed take our kiddios on an EPIC playdate.  

How epic?

We played and relaxed in a 5 story treehouse.  My dad, my brothers, and I built the treehouse when we were kids.  (Ok, my little bro and I mostly handed up nails and fetched stuff...)  But, a little background on this freaking cool place:

Growing up, I was so jealous of my friends who played night games with all the neighborhood kids or had block parties in the street (picture the "Sandlot".)  I didn't live in a cul-da-sac.  My family lived a quarter of a mile down a gravel road, with nothing but foothills and sagebrush forever behind our house.  Sometimes as a kid, I wished I lived in the city to escape the farm chores of hauling hay and moving pipe, but man...there were some definite perks to living in the coutry.  One of these?  The treehouse.   

It was built in a sprawling tree over several summers out of left-over wood and salvaged nails.  My big brother was the dreamer and architect, and my dad took time from his full-time office job and hobby farmwork to help put his son's "Swiss Family Robinson" dream into reality.  (Which is funny since my dad is not a fan of heights.) We spent hours there, and I read many a book in the hammock, spied on the teenage boys moving pipes with no shirts on in the adjacent field (scandalous!  Ha!) and we even held parties and group dates there.  We loved it!  We played treehouse hotel (I was always the crazy owner down in the lobby) and pirate ship for for entire summers, pulling the water bucket from the pond below to swab the deck.  Life was good at the treehouse.

But, now, my parents' grandkids live hours away and we're all grown up and gone, and the treehouse doesn't get all the love that it used to.  So, that's where I took my friends and their kids!  After a 45 min ride, with my son screaming most of the way, (sorry, Amber!) we arrived.

And...The kids loved it.  Seriously, I thought they were going to set up camp an we'd have to leave without them.  Even the babies were good sports for most of the time!

So here's our playdate!  Please prepare yourself: you're about to see pics for days!  Ha!

Welcome to the treehouse!  My son and my momma.

The treasure chest! 

She's holding the pirate's booty!  Haha....get it?

Delilah and Jasper

Amber with her visiting nephew

Me and my stinker son!  And, I swear I didn't plan to be all matchy-matchy plaid.  It just happened.

DONT JUMP! Ha!  My mom's hand is holding on to the back of him...he wasn't even scared!

Crossing the canal...

Walking back to the house

haha...funny pic of Payden

Sandbox!

The foothills behind the house.

Delicious picnic-ing...

And...somebody realllllly needs nap. 

SO, after lots of fun, yummy food, too much sun, and several baby tantrums, we called our epic playdate a wrap.  A there were lots of snores in the car on the way home. (hallelujah!)  And though this was a pretty sweet location, playdates don't have to be elaborate.  Heck, McDonalds Playplace can make for a great playdate...kids are running around having fun, (probably peeing in the slides...ha!) and moms get to hang out and have some adult conversation.  WIN WIN!

So, how about you?  What do you like to do on playdates?  Do you love a relaxing home playdate?  How about the park?  Have you had any crazy elaborate playdates?  I'd love to hear, cause I need ideas.  :)

 Thanks, friends!
-Amy

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I'm an Addict and I Need Help.

By Amy

It's summertime...Which, for me, means: out-of-control book binging, baby!  Are you a book-aholic, too?  Ah, what a wonderful affliction. :)

A great book will make you ignore even the most basic human necessities.  You don't want to sleep, eat, interact with other humans, or....well, go to the bathroom; nothing else matters--you are totally consumed with the story.  (Remember when I told you in my Home Tour that sometimes when I'm reading, I'll finally go to the bathroom, but then I just end up sitting on the toilet for a hundred pages before I realize that my bum is cold and falling asleep? Ha...admit it, you do too!)

Then there's period after the book... (when I am still not very productive).  You know what I mean--that delicious feeling when you are still under story's spell--it can last for days after reading it!  You are re-living the best moments, mulling the story over and over--not wanting to let go, though the book is done.  Lots of times I go back and re-read the best parts, reading slowly and savoring it since I'm no longer reading full-speed, gobbling up the story, like the first time though.  Ahhh.  I love a good book.

Here's the problem, I have a baby to take care of!  And it's not like when I read I think, "Oh, I can hear my baby crying, but I'm just going to ignore him."  Nope.  I don't even hear my baby crying!  (Isn't that sad!?)

I've escaped into the world of the book.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life and my hubby and my baby...it's just, my life is pretty chill and simple.  It's fun to live the cool, exciting stuff in a book--to put myself in another person's story.  Then I come back into my own world, and I'm grateful for the characters and setting of my own tale.  

When I read a love story (a good one, I'm a bit picky), I revel in it and wallow in sappy happiness...It makes me think of my own love story.  Then, when I finish the book, I run to Partick and get all cuddly--he just laughs at me and thinks I'm a weirdo.

My son, the budding bookworm. I'm so proud! :)

Reading is great--but ignoring family, friends, and the necessities of life is NOT.  It can be a challenge to read responsibly!  But, the first step is recognizing the problem.  I've realized that I am a book-aholic, and I need help.

To make matters worse, I am in a super cool book club, and we all enable each other in our book addiction!  These ladies tell me about amazing books, lend me books, and worst of all....get me hooked on series!   HELLO!  I can't do SERIES!  They take over my life till I finish them!  (I don't think I spoke to my husband for three days when I devoured "The Hunger Games.")

Ok, Ok...I'm sure you know I am NOT upset with these ladies for "torturing" me with amazing reads.  We have tons of fun and I've read some incredible books from their suggestions.

Which leads me to an announcement...drumroll... Throughout this summer, these super cool ladies in my book club agreed to tell write book reviews, telling us about their favorite books!  (I will add a few too!)

Ladies of book club!  (Minus a couple who couldn't make it that night...we still love you!)

I am super stoked for you to meet my friends and hear their recommendations!

So, I guess I will add to the book-addicts' problem by supplying more excellent books to read.  I'm sorry.

Please, proceed with caution, read responsibly, take care of your children, and try not to pull all-nighters (or only occasionally).  Cause for me, the next morning, when I'm suffering from a reading hangover (picture me sitting in my pjs, hair askew, mouth slightly hanging open, staring dazed at the wall while my crying toddler tugs on my clothes) I always wish that I'd shut my dang book at midnight.

*Sigh*...Someday, I hope I learn self-control.  :)
 -Amy

Ps. Are you a book nerd?  Let's hear about your reading addiction.  (Maybe I'll feel better...Ha!)  How bad has it gotten?

Pss. What are you reading this summer? 

Psss. Moms, how do you fit in reading now that you have kiddios?  I'd love to hear! :)

Like and Share with your book-nerd friends, so we can get their input!  Thanks!  :)

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What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

By Tracy
Introduced by Amy

Tracy is my second cousin, friend, and fellow art nerd.  I love her so much.  We met at college in an art class and became friends before we knew we were cousins.  Crazy, huh?  We went separate ways, but stayed in touch through facebook.  She got married, I served a mission, she had a baby, I got married, then she had another baby.  This baby was born with health problems.  I ached for her as she shared updates in the days after his birth.  He was born with Trisomy 18, which is like Down Syndrome, but with a different chromosome missing.  She started a blog to keep friends and family in touch with the progress of their sweet little babe.  I bawled as I read each beautiful and loving post.  They had such courage, as did sweet little Peter!  He lived 7 weeks, and touched the lives of many people.  In the future, Tracy plans on sharing his story with us here on S.O.M.   (Read about Peter on her blog) But, for today, she agreed to share this post--which I love.

You know when a good friend or family member is going through a really difficult time, whether it be a serious illness, loss of a loved one, etc--it can be SO hard to know what to say.  Sometimes, this has even kept me from reaching out to the people I love, because I'm afraid.  But then I think to myself, "Doofus!  Giving no support has gotta be worse than giving clumsy support!"  Anyway, I appreciate the perspective that Tracy has on this subject, since she has been on the receiving end of service and love after a very difficult trial: the death of a child.  Her ideas are super practical and common sense, which is nice when you want to help, but you don't know how.  I hope you find this as helpful as I did!  Thank you, Tracy! :)
-Amy

With my son, Peter.

I got a bunch of pamphlets from the funeral home when Zach and I started making arrangements for Peter's funeral. I thought they were all well written and helpful. I thought this one in particular was really good. "What to say when you don't know what to say" is exactly what everyone wants to know at some point in their lives. If you haven't been there yet, you will at some point in time. Even when dealing with something difficult that isn't a death, these guidelines are a great place to start for comforting and helping anyone who is going through a difficult time or trial in their life.

 Even before I had read this information I had been thinking about the topic and contemplating what I have learned from this experience. What is the most helpful to someone who is going through a hard time. Here are some of my thoughts on the topic from the loving and generous examples of those around me.

1. Lots of boxes of LOTION kleenex 
Whether a death in the family, throwing up, or just a sickness with a runny nose, they will always wish they had more lotion kleenex because if they are crying or runny nose-ing for more than one nose wipe, they will be in dire need of lotion kleenex. Otherwise, after two wipes, their faces and noses will be red, dry, and sore. You can never have too many boxes of lotion kleenex.

2. Food 
A staple in grief support, food is always welcome, but here are some insights I've gained.

 - Space it out.
Most meals are more than enough for one meal, and some can even last up to four days. Instead of bringing meals every day, space them out to every-other day so that their fridge doesn't get filled up with too many leftovers. Not everyone is blessed with a deep-freeze freezer in the garage.

- Bring it two weeks later.
When someone has a new baby, or a surgery, etc. people are usually ready and eager to help out at the beginning. That is helpful. It is also a pleasant surprise and much appreciated respite to have someone bring you a meal a few weeks later, when things have died down but you still haven't fully recovered.

- Gift cards/basket If you live far away from the person you wish to comfort, gift cards to local restaurants or a gift basket can show you care and are thinking of them. And who doesn't love getting real mail?

 3. Massage
A gift certificate for a massage from a professional masseuse. So needed. A great way to feel like you are actually helping relieve some of the tension from grief and stress. Who doesn't need one?

Probably something they need- but wouldn't ever buy for themselves.

 4. Suggestions 
When offering to help saying "just let me know if I can ever do anything to help" isn't the most effective. Part of the problem is that the person who needs help isn't always sure what you are able, or comfortable, doing. What they might really need is someone to clean their bathroom, but what you had in mind was more like giving them a ride. Or maybe they need someone to watch their children, but you work during the day when they need the help.

When offering to help, give lots of suggestion of what you are comfortable helping with, that way they know that they can come to you in that circumstance. For most people it is uncomfortable asking others for favors, so it definitely helps to know what the other person will agree to before you ask. Specifics help.

Some examples: "I would love to help by: ..."
- Coming over and spending the evening with you while your husband is working (or day)
- Taking your child for the day so you can make funeral arrangements (or whatever)
- Giving you a ride to church, the hospital, etc (or your teenager, or kids)
- Having you over for dinner on Wednesday night (be specific)
- Making burial clothes

Nobody wants to ask you to clean their bathroom, but that might be what they really need. Offer anything you are willing, able, and comfortable doing.

Peter's burial shoes made by a dear friend as a favor.

5. Offer again 
 Another problem with offering help is that the person usually isn't looking for help at the exact instant you offer it. Whether they are just starting to deal with the grief or a tragedy and can't think about it right now, or they just don't need anything right now, or they are a new mother and don't know what they will need because they have never done it before. Offer again.

Make sure they know your offer is sincere by offering multiple times. Sometimes someone would offer to help me with something and I would say that I didn't need it then, only to need it later but didn't want to ask. It's a blessing when the person feels the promptings from the spirit and acts on it, and makes the offer again. It is a lot easier to accept an offer than ask for it.

Something that would be really helpful would be your phone number on a card with a list of things you are ready to do to help. Put it on a sticky note, the back of your business card, or anything handy. That way they will be able to remember who offered what, and how to get a hold of them when they need help.

One thing I noticed since Peter is that my sense of time and my mental faculties were seriously messed up from lack of sleep, stress, and dealing with the situation. Writing things down is very helpful later when trying to remember things.

 6. The written word
Some of the most touching things we received were handwritten notes, cards, and letters from family and friends. Reading the heartfelt words of those we love mean so much, and it is so nice having them written down so we can re-read them whenever we want to remember and think about Peter.

Share your own grief and happy memories of the person.

7. Pictures
You can't have enough pictures of the one you love, who is now gone. If you have some, make a copy for the family or friends who are grieving.

Readers, what ways did others reach out to you when you've experienced a trial that you found helpful?  What are other good things to say/do?  I am always looking for good ideas.
-Tracy


P.S. Wasn't that awesome!?  Here's another interesting article I read about what to say when you are trying to support someone experiencing a really difficult trial.  Also, I was talking to a friend recently who told me that after being devastated by a miscarriage, she just really wanted people to say, "Man, that sucks." instead of saying something like, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." or "It wasn't meant to be."  That made a lot of sense to me.  Cause, of course it's natural to try to say something to make it better--we don't like to see our loved one in pain.  But, just like she said, often the best thing to do is just listen to them, love them, and validate their pain.   It's ok to say, "That must be so hard.  I don't know what to say, but I love you and I am here for you."  Just be there for them.

-Amy

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