Breast is Best, but...Starving is Worst: my Experience with Breastfeeding

First of all, though I am telling the other side of nursing (read Lauren's story here), I'm not anti-breastfeeding--not at all!  I know there's a ton of good in it.  It has known health benefits for baby, it is a great bonding experience, and it is MUCH cheaper than formula.  

This is just my experience.

Before Hayden was born, I was super gung-ho about nursing.  I expected wholeheartedly to love and succeed in nursing my baby, at least for a half a year, if not a full year.  But I only ended up actually "nursing" my baby for a week, then pumped and bottle fed him breast milk for a month and a half.  But, before you go thinking I am selfish or a quitter, let me explain.

I remember watching the WIC movies, and sighing, "Gosh, nursing looks so cozy and sweet!"  A hungry little babe nuzzling to mama, like, "Mummy, may I please have a drink of milk?"  And then mom would gaze at her babe lovingly while feeding him and it was...perfect. 

But, then when my babe came, it um...did not go so perfectly. 

When I first tried to nurse, like 15 min after Hayden was born, I discovered something...well, the nurse discovered something. 

(ALL MALE PEOPLES, ESPECIALLY ONES THAT I KNOW, STOP READING THIS NOW!  THANK YOU.)  

She informed me, while clucking her tongue that... 

(OK, ANY MALES, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.) 

the only way my baby would be able to latch on, is if I used a little "nipple shield" (think a tiny, clear, plastic, flexible sombrero with a couple holes in the top...ha, what a stupid explanation, but that's what it made me think of!)  Ok, I am beyond embarrassed right now to be talking about this, but I've found out that this is a common problem; there's alot of us out there!  But at the time I felt so dysfunctional.

Ok, well, even with the shield, we still had a problem.  Hayden had a weak suck.  They said his mouth puckered, which didn't allow a tight seal.   We tried everything.  I was the lactation Consultant's neediest patient.  I wanted to make this work.

Every nurse that came into my room cheerfully asked how nursing was going, and, seeing my frustrated look, would come watch and try to help.  But, it never really went super well.  

So, once I got home, I continued nursing.  I could see milk around his mouth and in the shield, and he looked like he has swallowing, so I figured all was well.  But my babe cried more and more every day.  I didn't know what to do.  He would scream and arch his back while I tried to get him to latch on, and fling his head around, knocking off the shield, and OY...it was super difficult, even when Patrick helped me.  I even latched Hayden a few times while bouncing on my exercise ball (difficult to do!), because that was the only way I could get him to stop crying.

When things only got worse, I took him to the lactation specialist at the hospital.  She weighed him with this super fancy scale that showed his weight down to a couple decimals.  Then she had me nurse for a half an hour, then weighed him again.  He weighed less afterward.  The effort it took him to nurse burned more calories than he was taking in.  OH GREAT.

I borrowed my friends pump and realised that I wasn't really making much milk.  I was SO fed-up with my baby starving.  I just wanted him to get nourishment!  So I gave him some formula in a bottle and he pounded it. 

Can you tell how happy I am to KNOW that he's getting milk?

That's when I switched to pumping and bottle-feeding full time.  My mother-in-law was with us the second week after Hayden was born, and she did so much to help--giving advice and holding Hayden while I pumped, since Patrick was at school.  He drank his bottle with a strange smacking sound--it popped out after every suck-- and he sputtered and cried though every bottle, often arching his back (we later found out he had reflux).  I knew this was not normal.  (I didn't have a ton of baby experience, but I had given a baby a bottle before!)  I showed his pediatrician how he drank a bottle, and he said, "You're taking that baby to the Occupational Therapist."  The O.T. taught us some simple exercises to strengthen the muscles in his face and tongue, and told us to keep his Binky in to strengthen his suck (which at first he couldn't even keep in his mouth, it would just fall out). 

It was so time consuming to pump, then feed Hayden, but at least I knew exactly how much he was getting!  Still, it was not easy.  And, many times, if the milk had been pumped a couple hours ago and stored in the fridge, he would refuse it.  SERIOUSLY, child!?  It was PAINFUL to fill that bottle, and you don't even want it!?   

It was like he was some little breast milk connoisseur..."Pardon me, but I only drink freshly squeezed.  Take this away."  

So I had to pump for 45 minutes to get 2 ounces, then immediately feed, which also took 45 minutes, making feeding an hour and a half process every time.  All through the night, too.  Often, he would wake up early from a nap, and I'd have to just let him cry while I tried to hurry and pump some milk.  Not to mention, a pump is quite a loud and awkward thing to take anywhere.  I was in the house a lot.  
This went on for a month and a half.  It was rough.  I was trying SO hard to make it work.  We bought a pump, I tried to eat and drink well, and I spent a huge amount of time pumping.  But, my milk slowly dwindled anyway.  I never even had enough to leak through, and I only used pads for a week or so, before realizing that I didn't need to.  

One night, after pumping at 3 am, I went to transfer the milk into his bottle, then rinse out the pump bottles, and in my exhaustion (the condition known as "stupid-tired") I accidentally DUMPED the wrong bottles and saw all the breastmilk go down the drain!!!  I yelped, then broke into tears. (This is a time when it is TOTALLY acceptable to cry over spilled milk.)

Every time I tried actually nursing again, he would scream and arch back to get away from me.  So much for the bonding experience...every time, I felt like I was torturing him...It was so sad, thought he was just a baby, for some stupid reason I felt so rejected.  Didn't he want to nuzzle and feed from me?  I was his mummy! 

I was discouraged and frazzled.  I knew the breast milk was good for my son, but I think most of all I was worried that people, especially Patrick, would be disappointed in me.  I confessed this to Patrick, and he reassured me that he knew I had tried my best, and that I should do what I felt was right; he would support me.  A few people I care about never gave me this kind of validation, but wanted me to keep going and going.  I felt so crappy about it, like I was making a selfish choice.  But, it was miserable.  My life had become a never-ending cycle of pumping and feeding and I cried alot.

The WIC lady made me feel better.  When I explained what was going on, she told me that she was amazed that I was still pumping, especially since many others would have quit with even one of these issues, let alone all of them together.  That gave me peace, knowing that I didn't just give it some half-hearted effort.


My mom (who had nursed all her babies) also made me feel a lot better.  She told me that my grandma had not been able to nurse, therefore, my mom and all of her siblings had been formula fed.  And it was FINE!  It's not like they are all in terrible health!  There are MANY babies who grow up healthy and strong, despite being formula-fed.  My sisters reassured me too, and I decided to stop worrying about other people opinions of me.  I made the choice to wean Hayden.
 
I switched to formula.  100 percent.  And weaning was a peice of cake.  I just pumped less often for a few days and then, just didn't pump.  I didn't even feel pain. 

And, I was so relieved.  And, he didn't refuse bottles anymore!  

So, in the end, breast may be best, but starving is definitely the worst.  If it doesn't work out, and you've tried your best, then let it go.  I did what I needed to do and got some sanity in my life.

As the months passed, we continued the O.T.'s exercises and we saw a HUGE improvement with his suck.  He also outgrew the reflux and didn't cry anymore during feeds!  I finally was experiencing the sweet feeding experience--my sweet babe in my arms while I sat in the rocking chair, watching him drink his bottle.  These are moments that I will always cherish.  

It's hard to imagine now that Hayden had such a hard time, as I watch him holding his own bottle, sucking down 7 ounces.  When we started him on solids, he did great!  Ate like a little piggie!  Now, he is healthy and happy and growing stronger everyday.

First taste of rice cereal!  Ha, I love his quizzical face!  My mother-in-law is holding him...

Becoming a pro!

Drinking his bottle right after waking up.

A little while ago, someone asked me, "Are you going to try harder to nurse with the next one?"  I almost choked.  TRY HARDER???  I tried SO hard.  Part of me wishes that I had quit a month sooner.  But, I'm glad I know that I did all I could.  I have to remember that I stuck it out for a month and a half, and that was better than my baby getting no breast milk at all! 

I really hope that my next baby has a suck like a hoover vaccum, and nursing will go great (or at least decently!)  I would love to have that experience. 


But, whether or not I am able to nurse, I still will love, cuddle, feed, and cherish my baby.  I will always have a deep bond with my son, because I love him and sacrifice for him and take care of his needs.  Bonding is not dependent on nursing, just ask any mother who adopted how much she loves her child!  

I hope you are able to nurse; make sure you give it a good go (a couple weeks) before deciding to wean or not.  For many, it is a joy and very manageable.  But if you are not able to nurse, or chose not to, that is YOUR choice.  YOU ARE NOT LESS THAN ANY OTHER MOTHER.  Make a decision that will be good for you and your babe.  Do what you need for them to get the right amount of nourishment, cause it can be detrimental to hold on to nursing if your baby is not getting enough nourishment.  Consult your pediatrician if you are worried!

So, though nursing didn't work out perfectly, in the end, everything did work out!  

He survived, I survived, and he's having his 1st birthday this month!  CRAZY!   
-Amy

How was YOUR nursing experience?  I'd love to hear! :)   

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Update on October 18, 2016: 

I was blown away by the all the comments and love after I posted my breastfeeding experience!! It seems that this is a topic that hits close to home for many mommas. So I thought that now that I've had two other babies, I would share how breastfeeding went with the other two. I was pretty nervous about attempting to breastfeed again since it didn't go well the first time. I was hoping that my next would have a strong suck and that it would go much better! And, thankfully, I didn't have to pump full-time with the other two like I did with my first! They were able to nurse even with my defective flat nipples (using a shield of course) which was sooo much better than pumping.

But, it still wasn't actually very successful. I don't know if my babies never sucked hard enough to actually get my supply up, or if my body just sucks at producing milk, (it does) or if I produce skim milk and they just aren't satisfied by it. ( I do.) Both of my next two, a few days after being born were getting more and more jaundiced and losing weight, so I was advised to give both of them formula for a few days and pump till my supply increased. After their jaundice went away, I tried with both my 2nd and 3rd baby to exclusively nurse, and pump once a day to keep my supply up, but they still were NEVER full. They both had much bigger appetites than my first babe. So, I would nurse for 35-45 minutes, working to keep them sucking and awake the whole time, then 5 minutes after nursing, they'd be crying and rooting again. EVERY TIME. So I'd give them a little formula to get them through. (Actually, both ended up needing Similac Sensitive, which has partially broken down the milk protein, otherwise they were fussy, gassy, and waking through the night, like they were really uncomfortable. My dang genes. I have a hard time with dairy.) I went a few days only nursing with my middle boy to see if my body would supply according to his demand, but I ended up having to nurse him like every hour and a half, and even then he was still crying and crying. :( After a few days of that, I said, "No thanks. I refuse to let my baby be constantly hungry any more." 

So, with both boys, I would breastfeed then give a bottle of formula. Which typically took an hour and a half after nursing, burping, making a bottle, feeding them the bottle and burping them again. That was ok--it was worth it to me to give them any breastmilk I could. This is how I thought of it: My milk was like a green smoothie appetizer before a meal...the smoothie has great nutrients, but doesn't keep you full for long. You need some real calories to stay full. It was weird--I could give them 4 oz of pumped milk, and they were hungry again soon after, but if I gave them 4 oz of formula, they were content for 3 or 3 and a half hours. So, I guess my milk was skim milk. Even while taking supplements for my milk supply, chugging water all day, and definitely NOT cutting calories. (I stress eat.) I just made skim. When I babysat my friend's little girl and baby boy for a couple months, and she sent frozen breastmilk for her boy...I was BLOWN away by the color of it! It was almost yellow! Like straight cream! Mine was always clearish white. Ha.

So, I continued the breastmilk appetizer followed by a formula meal, even though it was a slow process. It was pretty doable when I had two...I would just read stories to my first boy or he'd play in the room while I nursed, then formula fed my middle baby. And he actually was nursing ok, even though he was always hungry afterward. I was thinking that I would be able to nurse him for much longer than my first, and I WAS able to go a few weeks longer than I did with my first, and then...he got viral meningitis and ended up in the hospital. (Go figure, the one who I was able to nurse the longest was the one who got horribly sick while I was still nursing him!) While he was in the hospital with a raging fever, getting all kinds of tests done, his appetite was very low.  I was with him at all times, and frankly, too overwhelmed and worried to even care to go home to pump. It is terrifying to have a 6 week old baby get sick enough to end up in the hosptial. I nursed him still but he barely nursed, probably because he was weak, and because my supply dwindles in like a day of less nursing. But really, my supply was already dropping even before he got sick, just like it had the time before at 6 weeks-- and I was just trying to keep it going as long as I could. But after the hospital stay, it was pretty much gone.

When I had my third though, the nurse then formula feed pattern was super frustrating. It took as much time as it did with my second baby but this time, I had two other kids. And they were killing each other and getting into all kinds of trouble. I hated how much I had to holler at the other two while trying to feed my baby. Sometimes they would be good and sit with me while I nursed so that I could read them stories...but most the time I couldn't keep them for too long. And I definitely didn't want them watching a show every time I nursed--that is WAY too much screen time a day! So, they ran wild. Then, in between feedings, I was frantically trying to run around feeding the other two, changing bums, and putting baby down for a nap, not to mention meals, cleaning and laundry...it was pretty dang stressful. I cried a lot. Not as much as I did with my first, but still, it was hard. Thank goodness for my mom who came two or three times a week and played with my boys and did my dishes and let me cry and vent. I was very lucky to be living 20 minutes away from my mom for my third baby.

I knew that I was supposed to have my third baby at this time, but everyday I thought, "Sheesh, Heavenly Father, couldn't we have waited even like 6 months?" My middle boy was still pretty young and needy (17 months old) and I felt like everyone was getting neglected. It was so busy. Then, after a month and a half, as always, my supply dropped from 4 oz a pump to barely over 1 oz. What a joke. This was taking so much time and really, I was just letting my baby nap while sucking on the shield like a binky. And, I'm sorry to say, I didn't have time for that. So, I went to formula full-time, and it was good. I didn't get sore or engorged at all when I dropped down to nursing every other time for a day or two, and then down to once a day for like two days till there was absolutely nothing and he wouldn't even try to suck. My body always weaned my baby for me. Suddenly, feeding took half the time and I could spend much more time with my other two boys. We all became a lot happier. But--nonetheless, I am still glad all of my boys started their first month and a half of life with breastmilk. :) I did what I could do, now I will let it be. :)

I learned from my first that nursing is worth effort and some sacrifice, but it is NOT worth forcing the impossible, having a hungry baby, neglecting your other children, and being miserable. I also learned that every mom's experience is different and every mom deserves understanding and support and love, even if their choices look different from yours! :)

Love all you breastfeeding, partial breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding mommas! :)

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