July 11, 2013

Only Skin Deep

Today I'm....hesitant.  I've had a draft of this post for months, sitting, waiting for my courage to catch up with it.  I've wanted to talk to other people about this for a long time, but it's to embarrassing to bring up with a friend face to face.  And, a shout out on Facebook would be little too mortifying.  But, this is a safe place, and I'd love to hear your input!

I have to warn you though, this is not about some deep burning philosophical or emotional trial.  It's actually pretty shallow.  It's about my face.

Sometimes I have this daydream: if I had the chance to magically change one thing about myself physically, what would it be?  Would it be permanently staying the size I was when Patrick and I were dating?  Would it be to make my eyesight perfect?  Longer/thicker/curlier eyelashes?  Taller?  Perfectly white teeth?  Lusciously thick hair?  Zap the love handles?  (Seriously: muffin top, nobody likes you. GO away.)  Or like most mommas, restore the location of my (*ahem*) chest to where is was pre-baby?  Nope.  None of those would be my choice.

I would not hesitate--I would choose perfect skin.

Shape/weight--I feel like that's good for me to work at, so that I'm also caring for my internal health, while practicing self-control. (yeah, got a long way to go with that....I stilllll love my second helpings.)  Though it's not easy, I do have control over how fit I am.  When I need to work at it, I start regularly exercising and eating better, and I make slow progress.

But, my skin?  I have felt so powerless about it for a long time.

I have had problem skin since I was about 14.  I'm so lucky that I don't have the deep, scarring acne, I have little bumpy acne that totally covers my whole forehead at all times and is usually on my cheeks, hairline, a little on my nose, and chin.  Also, I have the visible pores and blackheads on my nose. (Gross.) There are times when my skin is worse than others, but rarely is it clear.  (Except for my second tri of pregnancy with Hayden...freakin' glorious skin!!! Hmmm, maybe I should get pregnant again. haha!)  And, I don't really have many pics that illustrate how bad my skin was at its worse, cause I was very meticulous about putting on my cover-up (or karate chopping any fool who tried to take a pic of me before I'd gotten ready in the morning.)

Taking stupid pics with Patrick's laptop when we were dating...You can't see my forehead, but my cheek shows it a bit.
Though I mostly have been able to cover up the redness, I always felt self-conscious about the bumpy, unhealthy texture of my skin, and never wanted people to get too close up to me.  I longed for "natural" and "glowing", but instead hid under caked-on foundation.  I was terrified to go swimming with friends.  Overnight trips sent me into major worries.  I never wanted people to see me without makeup.  Also, I was hard on myself.  When I looked in the mirror, I thought, "You look like a leper."  I'd joke to friends and family, acting like it wasn't that big of a deal to me: "Time to quarantine me.  I've got the Small POX!"  During the worst times, it was hard to put myself in front of people.

As I got older and more confident, my self-esteem didn't come as much from what I looked like, but from who I was.  But, still it bothered me that when everyone else was getting over their bad teenage skin, I was a 24, then 25 then 26-year-old, who was still regularly breaking out.  Wasn't it supposed to taper off at 18?

When I was dating Patrick (23 and 24 yrs old), he wanted to take me to Wyoming to visit his family.  I didn't want to spend the night because I didn't want them (or Patrick) to see me without makeup on.  I was so scared he wouldn't think I was pretty anymore.  So, no joke, I got up at 6:00 on a Saturday morning, showered and got all ready, got back into my pjs and lay in the guest bed, waiting for everyone else to wake up.  Ha!

When we were engaged, Patrick came swimming with my family; since my make-up was washed off, I could barely look him in the eye on the car ride home.  I didn't want him to be disgusted by my skin.

For our wedding, my mom gently suggested that I cut bangs, so my skin wouldn't be distracting in all those close up wedding pics.  I did, and I still have them today.  I actually like them, and I worry less about my stinkin forehead!

The maddening part of the problem?  There's like 1 MILLION theories, ideas, and advice claiming to fix bad skin--and I have tried many.  Get a sun-tan, wear sunscreen, you have too much oily foods in your diet, change your pillow case every night, go dairy-free, don't wear make-up, don't use hairspray, wash your face a lot, don't wash your face too much, stay away from heavy creams, lotion your face every night....and on and on.  Then there are the products.  You could spend a fortune on different creams, pills, lotions, astringents with varied ingredients; every time, your hopes rise, thinking this could be THE ONE, just to be dissapointed again.  It's hard when well-meaning friends confidently tell you what WILL work--but your skin may react totally different from theirs.  I've tried prescription cures too, with not much change. (Though I never tried Acutane.  It seemed a bit harsh for me, since I didn't get the deep, scarring acne.)  So, my bathroom cupboard was filled up with only-a-little-gone products while my skin continued to be a pain. 

Experimenting with your face is NO fun.  Each product says "it takes at least two weeks" for any real results.  If it doesn't go well, then for two whole weeks (often longer), you are stuck looking like raw hamburger: visible results for all to see.  And, I know it seems shallow, but think of it: your face is who you present to the world.  I want people to remember me by my happy smile or pretty eyes, not be distracted by the poison-ivyish appearance of my skin.

For the past few years, I've given up on trying new cures.  I just got tired of it.  So, I've continued using ProActiv since the beginning of college.  It's decent.  My skin isn't great, but, could (and has) been worse.  I'm scared to stop using it, though it's expensive, cause I don't want to mess up my face BIG time.

Despite my face worries, I like my features.  I'm no model by any means--I don't have a rockin jaw line, striking cheekbones, or full, luscious lips, but my face is...me.  I really don't want to look like a model, or someone else.  They are the features I was born with; they come from my genes and the parents that I love.  But, the bad skin isn't me.  I feel like it's a sickness my face got when I was 14, and it never went away.

Over the years, I convinced myself, "People don't notice as much as think they do.  You're blowing this out of proportion."

Then, while visiting my niece, she points up at my face, with a concerned look and said, "Owies." ...several times.  I was so embarrassed.  Another niece watched me put on make-up in the bathroom mirror when I visited her family.  Afterward she said, "You look a lot prettier with your make-up.  I can't see those red dots anymore."  Oy.  Just last month, another niece proudly handed me a picture she had drawn of me.  And, across my forehead, she drew little red bumps.  I said, "Oh, you don't need to draw those on there."  She said, "But I want it to look like YOU!"

Ouch.

It shouldn't have been a big deal and I tried to laugh it off, but I felt a little sick.  Is this how other people see me, but unlike a little kid, they just don't say it?

The very word "ACNE" sounds so ugly.  It brings to mind a gangly, greasy haired, b.o. smellin high school boy who avoids all forms of personal hygiene.  Now and then, I've even heard people say, "They are broken out cause they aren't staying clean enough."  Argghhh...since 14, I've showered everyday and washed my face twice a day.  Even now, if I don't, my face erupts into a scary mess by the next morning.  On camping trips, I've washed my face in the freezing cold with bottled water, just to escape those consequences.  Yet, I had friends with perfect skin wearing three-day-old makeup!  Not cool, man.

Thankfully, in the past few years, I've become more comfortable in my skin.  Here I am, 27-years-old and it still acts up--but it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did back when I was in high school and college.  A lot of that comes from the fact that I have a good husband who loves me and tells me I'm a hottie from time to time.  :)  And he didn't scream in horror and run for the hills like I imagined when he first saw me without makeup.

But, even before meeting Patrick, I was finally accepting the fact that I just don't have great skin.  However, it doesn't define me.  I know that I am a good worthwhile person.  That doesn't come from my looks.  It comes from the fact that I am God's child.  I try to be kind and love others and be the best wife/mom/friend/daughter I can be.  I have gotten through really hard things, and I've accomplished some incredible goals!  And, I feel confident in who I am.  

For years, I imagined that all anyone saw when they looked at me was my splotchy skin, but now, I am just happy to meet new friends, socialize, and enjoy people.   

It makes a huge difference--when I'm reaching out to others, and trying to make THEM feel comfortable, I forget to focus on MY insecurities.  I feel good about myself cause I'm reaching out!

Ya know what's interesting?  I've found out over the years that most people have something they are very insecure about.  They have a lisp, or they feel awkward making conversation when they meet someone, or they wish they were thinner, or they hate the gap in their teeth.  And, you know what?  Lots of people have zits.  Not just me.  I probably noticed it on myself WAY more than anyone else did.

I read about a women whose face was badly scarred from a fire, but she still makes the most of her life, cheerfully raising her children and reaching out to others through a well-kown blog, though she looks completely different than she did before.  (I wish I could find her blog again. Anybody know who I'm talking about?)...UPDATE:  Her name is Stephanie Nielson and her blog is called "NieNie Dialogues"...she is amazing.  Go take a look.  I felt seriously grateful for my skin, and humbled by her courage after reading her story.  Seriously...Dang: what an amazing woman.  I admire her SO much for continuing forward even when faced by such an enormous and painful trial.  I feel pathetic and shallow for even worrying about something as trivial as some zits, when I have pretty good health otherwise.  It's just my darn human insecurities that whisper, "You're not good enough."

Thankfully, those thoughts are rare now, but they still surface when my skin is being particularly belligerent.

My goal is to be comfortable in my skin, even thought it's less than perfect.  Cause I know who I am, and beauty truly is much more than skin deep.  I hope I can always help others to feel good enough and beautiful, even when they're having a hard time believing it.  Especially those with bad skin.  OHHH my heart goes out to those with deep acne...especially boys who can't really cover it up at all.  I want to hug them and tell them, "Oh, it sucks so bad, but YOU are worthwhile.  Hold your head up, child!"

SO, now that I've spilled my guts about fighting my biggest physical insecurity, what about yours? 

It would mean alot if you shared.  If I actually get the guts to post this, I'll be surprised.  If I do, it's so much easier when people respond rather than having my words echo awkwardly into an empty room.

My friends, whatever insecurities you have, they do NOT define you.  You have worth, no matter what society, cruel people, the mirror, or even yourself says.  You are God's child, He made you, He loves you, and He sees your heart, not the size of the body or the zits on the skin or the gap in the teeth.

You are beautiful.  It' time we all start believing that, don't you think?

Thanks for reading! 
Love, Amy

Ps. If you could magically change one thing physically about yourself what would you change?  How do you rise above your insecurities?  Also, If you have struggled with skin issues, how did you fix it?  I'm always interested in hearing others' ideas.

Please comment,"Like," or "Share" if you appreciated this post!  Thanks! :)

26 comments:

  1. I've been self conscious about my body as long as o can remember. I was always much taller and thicker that the girls my age. I remember sitting in the bath tub as a very young girl imagining that I had magic scissors that could cut the fat off my body. It's a work in progress but I think I'm moving in the right direction. And I often find myself staring in the mirror thinking "I'm a 'grown-up' now. Why am I still getting zits!?" ....sigh

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    1. Erica, you are gloriously tall. Oh, the imaginary sizzors...I remember looking in the mirror and actually drawing lines with a magic marker on my waist of how I wanted it to be! haha...but I was in high school. Ha! You get zits too!? Ugh...I hear ya.

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  2. For the record, I've only noticed your bright smile and eyes. But kids notice and make comments because they want to learn. Adults pass it over subconsciously. I get the random big bumps that don't want to go away for a week or so. Hate that feeling of wondering if someone is staring! I don't have one big thing, I have three: dark circles, Hagrid hair, and ingrown hairs. I have always had some dark circles, but after having kids its now the zombie apocalypse and everyone will run from me. My hair went from mostly smooth to scary frizzy somewhere after having kids. If I use a blow dryer and flat iron we're good, until it rains or I go swimming. We went to Hawaii with another couple and beach barbie was there. Shake her head out of the water and the sun shines off her silky hair. Mine slowly grows and children want to know where Buckbeak is. And speaking of hair, I have thick brunette hair that chooses to grow under the skin flat so it looks like I haven't shaved. My husband noticed how self conscious I was and bought a Groupon for hair removal. It takes 6 treatments and lots of money, so naturally I fed my kids instead. But I hate wearing shorts or anything because people are always saying I missed a spot. Yeah, I'm defective. But if my husband is okay with it, then who cares about anyone else? But I still felt evil pleasure that barbie's hair isn't as cooperative since baby. And I love that girl! Hope that helps! We all hate part of ourselves

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    1. Oh my gosh...the Zomblie Apocolypse!? Ha! And, I have heard of people's hair going from straight-ish to curly after kids! Crazy!!! Let's all start a trend: it's cool to have long, lucious leg hair. ha! Thanks so much, Kellie! :)

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  3. I am always mortified that people will see me without my eyebrows. Seriously. My eyebrows are so blonde it looks like I dont have any. So even on my 'no makeup days' , I still have to take the time to fill them in. :)

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAAHHA oh my gosh NO WAY! I have never noticed. :) Thanks, for sharing! :)

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  4. You have acne? Seriously Amy, I never noticed. I am the same way about my acne. I loved your paragraph with the acne advice. Gotta love it. I had someone recently say, "eating whole cloves of garlic is great for your skin". Oh are they? Long story short, it was not effective in my case... I've settled for the Walmart Brand of ProActive and it seems to work about the same and its about $8 less. I know we both can relate to being thrifty so I thought I'd let you know. It has the same amount of benzyl peroxide so I think its equally effective. Probably the real turning point in accepting my acne was when I was introduced to Bare Minerals make-up. I don't want to sound like an advertisement, but it pretty much changed my life to learn that I could wear a makeup that wasn't going to make me break out worse. Of course it is ridiculously expensive, but looking in the mirror and liking the reflection is worth it to me.

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    1. Mary! That's funny, cause I didn't notice you having acne either! That's how it goes, huh? Oh my goodness, how long were you eating GARLIC!?!?! Ha! I'm so sorry! Yes, I should try the walmart version. I am almost out of my set of proactiv right now, and I just can't get myself to spend the money again! Yeah, I totally would like to try bare minerals. I use the Mary Kay version, I need to look at how similar the ingredients are! Thanks fo ryou comment! :)

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  5. Amy, your cute.:-) I don't think anyone pays as much attention as young kids. Michael notices everything, I used to leave the bathroom open so I could see what was going on, not anymore. He asks a lot of awkward questions. My sister has the same problem with acne, she used to use a perscription antibiotic. But it has a side effect of causing rheumetoid arthritis which she now has. Now she sticks to stuff with sulfur in it, which for her works better than anything else. For me the biggest thing is my weight and my stretch marks. It used to be my acne scars on my back, but they don't really bug me that much anymore. Both my wieght and my stretch marks came from being a mom. After Michael was born I had mastitis 5 times. The first two times they gave me something that has the rare side effect if causing tendonitis all over your body, and it has a serious risk of rupturing you Achilles tendon. So I was not allowed to walk more than I had to for a few months and than nothing straining for a year. I tried to exercise again when Michael was 18 months and I ended up in so much pain that I couldn't move for three days. I'm finally able to exercise again with out injuring myself, but with the weight of two pregnancies to lose it can get very discouraging.

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    1. Bwhahahaha! I died reading your Micheal comment! Ha! Oohhh...I would not enjoy arthritis. Yeah, I need to look, I think I do have some sulfur stuff, I should give it a try again!
      That sounds SO frustrating about not being able to exercise even though you wanted to! Well, you kicked trash in your weight loss contest, and you always looked beautiful! :) You are awesome; thanks for your comment!

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  6. Okay, so first...really great post! Second, I've seen your face in real life and the very LAST thing I would ever think is that you had acne! You're really pretty, actually!! ! Third, you and me both, sister! And I'm 33!! I get really insecure about my face, too. And I've worked really hard at trying to get it to clear up. I'm sure you are definitely not looking for advice, but I'm gonna share it anyway because I just seem to be an advice sharing kind of person. I ran across this pin on pinterest about a year ago and this is how I clean my face now. It's gotten 10 times better! If I'm really diligent about drinking water, too, I hardly get break outs at all! It seems weird when you read it, but it seriously has worked wonders for me! And it is pennies to mix it up. Way cheaper than anything else I've tried! Anyway, just my two cents! (Here's the link: http://www.healthydiaries.com/2012/07/17/how-i-improved-my-skin-acne-scaring-overall-complexion/)

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    1. Ahh, Shatzi, you are so kind and uplifting. (and you're looking foxy with your new haircut/color by the way! ) OH man, can't our skin get the memo!? This is a teenage thing! Ha! :) And, I do like to get advice! Especially when it's for something cheap! :) Oh and my mom keeps telling me I need to drink more water. I really jsut need to do it, I always forget. I need a little chart to mark or something to keep track of the number of cups I drink. (ha--like a toddler making their bed or something...) Thanks, I will go look it up right now!

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  7. What a great post, Amy. I seriously have never even noticed your acne. Isn't it crazy how we can think something is so noticeable to other people, when really, it is invisible to everyone else. I used to be really insecure about how pale my legs are. In junior high, I decided it was a good idea to lather on sunless tanning lotion. Yeah...not such a good idea. I had a Jr high boy yell out to me at lunch time, asking why my legs were orange. Now, I still use me some Jergens Natural Glow, but I don't try to be a bronze beauty--because let's face it, it's just not going to happen. I've learned that pale is beautiful too!

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    1. HAHAHAH! Oh man, how mortifying! Stinkin boy. Ha! I, too am white...blindingly so. I don't care mush anymore either. That's just how they are, and I can laugh at their glowing quality!
      Thanks so much for your comment. That makes me feel good that you never noticed my bad skin! :)

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  8. Is the blog you referenced by Stephanie Nielson? Either way, her faith and optimism make me want to be a better person. (nieniedialogues.blogspot.com)
    As far as physical insecurities go, I'm not sure what I'd say right now. I had my baby a few weeks ago and so I'm still wondering what's going on with my body.

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    1. YES!!!! That is her! Thank you! :) I just spent some time on her blog, and now I'm bawling and feeling like, "Wow. I am SOO grateful for my skin!!!!" She is incredible. And...yes, I remember the weirdness of my body after having my babe...Ha. I'm happy to say, though, everything mostly goes back to normal! :) Thanks, Sara!

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  9. Amy-you are so beautiful! People are always more critical of themselves by a long shot. I have known you since you were 7 and I think you have so many amazing qualities and features that your skin never stands out as something significant to me. I personally would take away my nasty muffin top and make me all around more petite.

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    1. Thanks, Shandee...you have always been so supportive and loving, and helped me to see me for the good that I have. And, ss cheesy as it sounds, you are so BEAUTIFUL inside and out!
      OH, yep--muffin tops are so stinkin annoying. I wish I could take my love handles and redistribute the fat to my butt and have a badonkie! Haha!

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  10. I love all your honesty in this article Amy -- way to be brave! I love it when people say what they really think. With all the social media we have today, I think many people, especially LDS women, think they need to try to portray their lives as perfect. But truth is we all have body image issues. I won't go into mine because it would probably get a little too personal, but I'll just say -- don't you hate it when hair grows where it shouldn't and when you're an adult woman wearing a training bra! ;) Anyway, I REALLY recommend you read the blog link I'm posting. It's written by a woman who talks about body image issues, and her words are so beautiful -- literally made me cry. And P.S. I'm with everyone else -- never even noticed you had acne!
    http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/06/these-are-the-lines-of-a-story/

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    1. Hahaha...thanks for your comment, Lalove! I actually read that post when you shared the link on facebook! YES...I loved it too. Pretty amazing to think about post baby body changes in that way!

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  11. Amy, I loved this! Totally something I needed to hear. I've been having my own insecurities lately, as well... and this is me being brave sharing, but here goes... two things, and really they are probably things that most people wouldn't say. They are: my skinny-ness and my (*ahem*) chest. Most people don't talk about skinny-ness being an issue, but I grew up with siblings calling me anorexic, which I wasn't, and never have been. I love food. I just have a different body type. I don't store my baby fat for long (although I do have a little bit of a gut, mostly which I think is just weak muscles from having 2 babies, which bugs me sometimes)... I have really skinny arms and legs, too... My almost 4 year old's wrists are almost as big as mine. lol. Yeah. It's definitely my Andrews genes. I can't wear the cute black boots because my calves aren't big enough to fill them in, even though I'd love to... I could probably find some in the little girls section that MIGHT fit (yes, my feet are small enough to fit in the high end of little girl shoes.) People often tell me how skinny I am, and they are probably trying to compliment me, but I don't always hear it as a compliment, ya know... I just want to have a toned body! (I know that just sounds like I want THE perfect body, which would be nice, but even just having a little bit more meat on me would be nice. It's just difficult for me to even try to get that...) As for my chest. My 2 babies have destroyed it! That's what I've been most self-conscious about lately. However, my husband tells me I am beautiful, even if the "girls" aren't large, and how maybe it just means I'm fit because many sporty, active girls AREN'T big chested. It helps, but the "flaws" still bug me. Especially when I got my new swimsuit in the mail, and it was too SMALL everywhere but my CHEST! UGH. I am trying to accept these things, though, and trying to not be bothered so much by things that I CAN'T really change, although they definitely haunt me sometimes. I know this was probably TMI, but I think it made me feel better. I am continuing to feel more confident with who I am each day, telling myself that looks aren't everything, although there are definitely days... Knowing that as long as I'm doing what's right, keeping commandments, etc, my body will return to its perfect state (whatever that may be)... THAT is definitely comforting! I think just being humans, we will always find something that we think is less than desirable about our bodies. It's human nature. However, I also think we're all beautiful in our own ways, we aren't all the same, and that also makes us beautiful. I know we can't just ignore our outer appearance, but I find that when I focus more on what good qualities I have, it helps me to be more confident. We will probably (in most cases) always want what we don't have... Oh, and just like everyone else, haven't ever noticed any acne on you!

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    1. Oh I hear ya, Crissa! It's so hard not to focus on the flaws. But, YOU are so fun and so pretty! I miss your cute laugh! Yeah, my stomach has a little permanent pooch now, but it's ok. I'm glad I'm not much of a bikini person! Ha!

      Yeah, you're sooo right, we often want what we don't have! For a lot of years, I've wanted to be one or two cup sizes smaller, so I fit shirts better and I'm not having to wear an undershirt EVERYDAY cause I'm flashing cleavage at my jr. high students in even high-necked shirts...haha.

      Thanks so much for reading and for your comment!

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  12. Amy, I always thought you had gorgeous skin! I know how it is though, I am right there with you. Sometimes my skin looks great and other times it breaks out completely. Partly due to stress! Love reading your posts!

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing - we all have something we don't like. As an FYI I got those same small red bumps in 6th grade and tried everything under the sun from then on both over the counter and prescription until I finally tried Acutane. While on it I hated every minute - my face always looked sunburnt from the dry irritation it caused. But the small red bumps went away and have never come back. 5 months of pain and now I love my skin. Acutane worked wonders for me and scores of my friends, even my husband. So, if the red bumps do get to you enough one day, consider it. In my day, you couldn't be on it longer than 6 months. And I was very hesitant to try it as it does seem very harsh and can be harsh (I had a friend who required prescription strength lip balm because it dried out his lips that bad) - but I am so glad I did go on it for the results, and so is my husband from his experience. We won't hesitate to put our girls on it if ever the day comes as we don't want them to go through what we went through. Now, what I would change on my body is my chest (I have never felt proportional thanks to the mosquito bites I have) and I'm doing everything in my power to rid myself of the dam rising dough I call a tummy. Seriously, between the pouch left over from my last pregnancy and the stretch marks my first daughter blessed me with, my tummy looks like rising bread dough!

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  14. I have always thought you had great skin! I used Proactiv for awhile but it made my skin worse. So what I am saying is that I have a couple bottles left unopened, if you would like them!

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  15. Agreed! I've always thought you were beautiful and never would have known! It's a great reminder that we all have insecurities and we just need to love ourselves and others anyway!! Thanks Amy!

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