Sunday Thoughts: Your Spouse Can't Heal You

By Amy

I love Patrick!  Ha, he looks so baby-face without his goatee. :)

*Here on SOM, we talk about the things that matter most to us--for many of us that includes our faith and religious beliefs.  I hope that we can all show respect and learn from each other's perspectives, even if they are different from our own.  My story includes my faith in Christ and how He has strengthened me individually and in my marriage.  Thank you for allowing me to open my heart to you!*

You know how when you're first married, older couples look at you, chuckle, and sigh, "Oh newly-wedded bliss!"  Well, sometimes hearing that made me feel pretty crappy.

For us, the first few months were a little less than blissful.  It's hard to admit this too, because I don't want you to think, "Oh man, they have a rocky marriage..."  Cause I am--and forever will be--so grateful to have my loving, kind, funny Patrick for a husband.  Life is good!  :)  But, we had to get to this point.  The truth is: though it's wonderful, marriage isn't perfect.  It's two people coming from different backgrounds trying to become one family unit: unless you are both super easy-going people, with fabulous communication, there's bound to be some issues.  I mean, guys and girls think and react differently and every person has their own unique way of seeing things.  For us, we had to hash out some of these differences right at the beginning.

We had both lived independently for several years and we were used to doing things our own way, without needing someone else's approval.  Suddenly, we were a married couple and we were having a hard time figuring out how to constructively handle differences of opinions.

One night, after a "fight" (we weren't the yelling-and-throwing-things type...we just mostly got hurt and quiet and withdrew from each other) I was laying in bed next to my husband after our nightly prayer.  I wanted to finish talking through the conflict, but he turned over and wanted to let it be.  I wondered, "Doesn't everybody say, "Never go to bed angry?  Aren't we supposed to resolve this now?  Are we going to fail if we can't communicate?"  Tears of frustration and worry about us slid down my face, soaking my pillow.  Though I was right next to my husband, I felt alone.  I was silently willing him to turn to me and say, "I'm sorry.  Let's figure this out.  I love you."

But, he didn't.

I quietly cried, and thought, "I'm sure he knows I'm crying.  Why doesn't he reach out to me?"

I lay there till I couldn't take it anymore.  I slipped out of bed, walked into the living room, and curled up on the couch.  My heart was aching and I needed him to come to me: I didn't need him to tell me I was right, and he was wrong--I just needed him to put his arms around me and to reassure me that he loved me despite the conflict.

After waiting in the dark, cold living room, listening to the clock tick for a long time, the harsh realization came: He is not coming.

I felt crushingly dissapointed by the man who I loved so much.  Sobs shook me as I wondered, "How could he let me suffer alone?"  I ached and cried to my Heavenly Father.  I was so confused--I knew I had made the right decision to marry Patrick--I had felt God's approval and guidance throughout our relationship, unlike I'd ever felt with any other boy.  So why was marriage proving to be so hard?  Why weren't conflicts easy to talk through?  Weren't we supposed to be full of newly-wedded bliss?  And, WHY wasn't Patrick coming to me and making it better?!

When I was all cried out, I lay there sniffling, curled up on the loveseat of our tiny basement apartment, and pondered.  In the quiet, the thought came: "You are looking to the wrong source for healing."

It was so powerful-- a gentle reminder from my loving Heavenly Father.  After pondering this for a few minutes, I again began to pray.  I told my Father how my heart was aching.  I explained that I knew it was good and right for Patrick and I to be husband and wife, but we were having a rough time figuring out how to live together, communicate well, and cooperate.  I told Him that I knew my Savior had already felt my worry and loneliness, and tonight I desperately needed Him to comfort me.

Immediately, a warm peace filled my empty and aching heart with God's love.  Not many times in my life have I had such a dramatic and immediate answer to prayer...often my answers come with time and patience, but this time, He granted relief as soon as I asked.  Though it may seem like a small thing, to my hurting soul, this was a miracle!

I marveled at the complete love that filled me and basked in it.  With grateful tears in my eyes, I thanked Him for His kindness and for healing my heart.  And, though I was exhausted and my eyes raw, His love was enough.  I took my weary body back to bed, and slipped in next to my husband.

Who was completely deep in sleep.

Wow.  He wasn't stonily ignoring my pain, he was just...sleeping!  Ha--He didn't even know that I was distraught!  It was almost comical how I had expected him to read my mind and come to my rescue, while he was dead asleep.  Over time I've realized he is more of a "let's sleep on it, and talk about it in the morning when we're not so tired." kind of guy.  And that's fine!

This experience was life changing.  I learned that I can't expect that my husband will be able to do/be everything that I need.  He can't "make" me happy or fix all my hurts and worries.  At times he will even be the cause of my pain or disappointment...cause, guess what--he's human!  And there have been and will definitely still be many times that I disappoint and frustrate him--Cause I'm human too!

Also, he can't read my mind.  The only ones who fully and completely know my heart and my thoughts, my desires, and motivations, are my Heavenly Father and His Son.  Jesus Christ knows my  every sorrow, hurt, heartache, guilt, and worry.  He felt my pain and paid for my sins.  

Sometimes, I have to remember, if I am sad or frustrated, and I look to my husband, like, "Why don't you make this better?" then I am asking him to heal me.  And, that is not his role.  He is my partner, my companion, my soundboard, my love, and closest friend--But he is not my Savior.  Just like that gentle reminder to me when I sobbed on the couch, only Christ can fill the role of Savior and Healer.  My husband can give me love, support, and comfort, but true and complete healing only comes through the power of Christ's atonement.  And, I can't fix my hub either.  We both have to turn to the Lord as individuals and as a couple.  If do all that I can to make life good (even when it's not easy) and rely on my Savior--He will fulfill me.  His love will radiate through me as I reach out to my husband, children, neighbors, and every person I meet.  (In other words, let your light so shine!  Mathew 5:14-16)  His love will enable me to be more Christ-like and be a better spouse.  It was eye-opening to see that I had unrealistic expectations of my spouse and of marriage in general.

Now, we are SO much better at being married folks.  It's crazy to think back on that night and how sad I was.  And even though it seems a bit dramatic now, I feel protective of the vulnerable girl I was on that night, and grateful to her for accepting a humbling message from the Lord and for her desire to change.  You know what?  I'm SO glad to be done with the newlywed time.  I like being a couple years in.  (three and a half...woot woot!  Haha...I know, we're babies.)  We're comfortable in our marriage.  It feels safe and warm.  It's a joy to share my life with such a good man who makes me laugh all the time.  Seeing him with our baby boy makes my heart swell with love and gratitude.  We try to see the good in each other and forgive each other for mistakes (like he did when I accidentally left a half gallon of acrylic paint in the living room and my toddler dumped it all over the carpet...NOT cool.)   Of course we still have conflicts and get super bugged at each other, but we try to let go of the small stuff, and talk out the important stuff. (and I try to remember that he usually isn't ready to discuss it immediately, but needs some time)  This is soooo much better than both our natural reactions to conflict--retreating from each other and being silent.  So, we aren't perfect, but we're both trying.  And God fills in the gaps.

I believe with all of my heart that regardless of marital status (single, divorced, etc) or problems in a marriage, when we are doing all we can to follow Christ, we will feel love, peace, and fulfillment.  Even in trials.  I'm not just saying that either...I know it and I've felt it.  I believe in the Savior's promise to each of us that He will carry our burdens.  And all of us will go through some really bad crap in this life--heavy, heavy burdens that make us tremble under the weight.  Though I don't know what each of your hidden battles are, I do know that God does.  He loves you.  He sent His Son for you, and through the Savior, you can be lifted and strengthened and healed--He's just waiting for you to turn to Him!

Friends, thank you for letting me open my heart to you! :)  I gotta get cheesy for a minute and tell you that I love you!  It's been amazing to feel your support, read your stories, and hear your comments since starting this blog.  And because I love you, I wanted to share with you what means the most to me: my faith in God and His Son.  Whatever your beliefs, I hope you know and believe that YOU have so much worth--because you do! 
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Ps. I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, and experiences about finding joy in marriage!  How does your spirituality impact your relationship with your spouse?  And, if you appreciated this post, please Like/Share so others can join in the conversation!  Thank you!  :)

What YOU have to say is important and worthwhile; We'd love to hear from you!  So...don't forget I'm looking for ladies (...Like YOU! :) ) to share stories, experiences, insights, tips, projects, etc. here on SOM!  It's fun to guest post...please check out the "Wanna contribute?" tab on the right margin and contact me for more deets!

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Finding My Deep Beauty

By Marilee
Introduced by Amy

For a while, I've been thinking on beauty.  Every lady wants to be pretty and feel confident--it's only natural!  But, gosh, we can be SO dang critical and hard on ourselves!  I recently spilled my guts about my struggle with my crappy skin--I was overwhelmed by your love and kind responses, as well as your courage in telling some of YOUR beauty insecurities.  My friend, Marilee, recently told me about an epiphany she had about beauty and her own worth, that healed a lifetime of pain and embarrassment.  My view of her is much different than she saw herself for all those years; I think of her as kind, encouraging, fun, and beautiful!  I was so happy to hear of the peace her realization brought her.  Since I loved her story so much, I wanted her to share it with you--and she was brave enough to agree!  Here it is. 
-Amy

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Ever since I can remember, I have felt ugly.  When I was young I had crooked buck teeth; when I bit into a sandwich I made a 90 degree angle impression.  Oh and of course, I wore glasses.  Thus, I was very teased and bullied--not just at school, but at home too by my older brother and Dad.

Self Esteem?  I didn't have any.  I looked in the mirror and all I saw was a fat, homely girl that just wanted to fit in.

Luckily the summer before 7th grade I was blessed to get braces.  I was so determined to have straight teeth that I did and wore whatever I was required...which included the over-the-head head gear.  In the beginning I had to wear it to school.  Boy was I teased!

So I believed more and more that I was ugly.  Because of the braces, my front lip curled up.  So the boys at school called me frog-lips, and would "ribbit" whenever they saw me.

Well my braces finally came off and yes, my teeth looked great!  But I still didn't think I was pretty.  AND I still worried about my weight.  My parents had 9 children. 3 girls, two boys, then 4 more girls.  I am the 7th of the 9.  In our teen years my sisters had eating disorders--they were skin and bones.  Sizes 1-3.  At 16, I was 5'7 and size 6.  I thought I was fat, because I was compared to my extremely thin sisters.  My junior year my parents put me on Weight Watchers.

I had a hard time making friends because I didn't think anyone wanted to be with such a overweight, homely person.

I had a great personality but I didn't know it.  I went through High School getting better at making friends and going to sports games, but never dating.  I quit going to the dances after the games and church dances because they were too depressing; I never danced.  My Senior year I got contacts, but that wasn't enough.

I still looked in the mirror and saw a fat, ugly, person.

OK.  Are you depressed enough?

Well I graduated, and learned to avoid mirrors and went on to serve a mission for my church, and got married when I was 27.  My husband died due to complications of diabetes 5 years later.

After a couple of years, I remarried.  After 11 years of happiness we have 3 beautiful boys together and I have two stepsons.

But I still struggled with my self esteem.  Through the years I have always told myself that I was fat and ugly.

I had heard people speak on how Heavenly Father looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance and how beauty comes from within...etc.  But I could never believe it.  It was as if I was hearing it through a wall and couldn't understand the words.

I am 45 years old now.  This past week I came across a talk by Elaine S. Dalton addressed to teen girls.  (She is a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint's worldwide young women's group. 2010 General Young Women Conference).

In it she talks about "deep beauty": how a person's beauty isn't determined by the outward appearance but by how their spirit shines from within. She taught that beauty comes from being a good person, following God and his commandments, and how we serve each other.

It comes from how strong our convictions are.

It comes from how kind we are to each other.

It comes from the Light of Christ that is within us.

Suddenly, it clicked.  It doesn't matter how big or thin I am.  It doesn't matter if I wear glasses or have buck and crooked teeth.

My appearance isn't what makes me beautiful.  I know that I am beautiful because I am a Daughter of God and I let my light shine! 

-Marilee 

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Thank you, so much Marilee, for opening your heart to us.  I LOVE the idea of "Deep Beauty".

Friends, please share your thoughts and feelings about beauty with us.  What do YOU think makes someone beautiful?  Who is the most "deeply beautiful" woman that you know?  Your mother?  A teacher? We'd love to hear!  And please Like/Share this post if it was meaningful to you.  :)
-Amy
    

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