Trials, Blessings, Cancer.

By Hannah
Introduced by Amy

Hannah is my friend who my son may love more than me.  (Kididng, Not Kidding. He asks for her and tells me that he loves her--no joke!  Pretty bold for a two-year-old, huh?  Ha!)  My husband met her in their grad programs, and he heard that she is amazing with kids (she's the oldest of six kids--she's had a lot of practice), so we asked her to babysit.  Seriously, I remember thinking watching her interacting with my son, "Crap, she's better with my baby than I am!" 

Hannah is mature beyond her age, super talented (she's got a gorgeous, soulful voice and some mean piano skills) and she truly is beautiful (to use the cliche) inside and out.  One night after she came over for dinner with us, we talked for hours, and she told me about her battle with cancer.  I was blown away.  Not just that she'd already faced such a trail (she's only like 21!) but I was amazed by her attitude about the whole thing.  Most of us would be so angry with God, with fate, with destiny, or whatever to have to deal with chemo and hospital stays while the other girls our age are crushing on boys and planning for prom.  But not Hannah.  So of course, being the weirdo blogger lady that I am, I begged her to share her story here on SOM. :)  

I hope you find her story as uplifting as I did!  Enjoy! :)
-Amy

---
January 24, 2009 was a day that began one of the most treasured experiences of my life: My cancer. 

Wait, what?

Just keep reading.

I was sixteen years old, was finally coming out of my awkward stage, had just gotten my license, and was two weeks into my second semester of college. (I homeschooled so I was able to finish my coursework and graduate from high school early.) I was on top of the world. I'd always had a plan for how my life was supposed to go, and things were right on track. Life was perfect.

Out of nowhere on a Sunday evening, I felt a dull pain in my lower left side. It was like it was just underneath my ribs, but I didn't think much of it. By that Wednesday I could tell it wasn't just going to go away. Over the course of that week my pain got much worse, and by that Saturday morning I was convinced I was dying. My mom took me in to urgent care and demanded that they do a chest x-ray. We were taken into the doctor’s office where she showed us the x-ray on a computer screen. She pointed to the picture as she said, “This is your right lung, and this is where your left lung should be, but it’s not.”

My thoughts started racing. I only have one lung? I’ve only had one lung for a whole week?! My mom and I were sent directly to the emergency room where a team of doctors was waiting for us. People were throwing the term “chest tube” around, and in my mind I was picturing something similar to a bike pump that they could just put down my throat, pump my lung up, and send me home. So I was confused when I was told to don a hospital gown and lay on the stretcher. The doctor explained that they were going to have to make an incision in my side to insert a chest tube which would hopefully drain the fluid they were guessing was there which had probably caused my lung to collapse. However, because I had had some crackers within the past hour, they weren’t going to be able to give me any general anesthesia. They could only numb the skin they were going to cut into.

They cut me open, and I remember it feeling like someone was running an ice cube across my skin. Then I felt all of it. They shoved a tube through my muscles and ribs, and immediately three liters of fluid began to drain from my chest cavity. My mom sat by my side as my body racked and jolted with the pain. I remember thinking I needed a distraction, so I screamed for my mom to tell me stories. Thankfully, they gave me something to make me forget what I felt.

I was then life-flighted to a bigger and better hospital about an hour’s drive from where we lived. I spent a week undergoing countless number of x-rays, MRI’s, CT scans, blood draws, having a second chest tube placed, and a bone marrow biopsy taken all of which only told us that there was a “mass” in my chest. Our last resort was to take a biopsy of the mass, or tumor, which confirmed my diagnosis of Non-Hodgkin’s T-cell Lymphoblastic Lymphoma.

I had cancer.

I didn't really know what it meant. I just knew my grandpa had died from it, and it was what the cardboard signs at McDonald’s with bald children on them asked you to donate to. Over the next two years I received chemotherapy and became much more acquainted with what it means to have cancer. 

My little brother and sister visiting me in the hospital.

It means that some things matter and others don’t. One day after I'd come home from a chemo treatment, I went straight to my bed. I was exhausted, but was distracted by my siblings fighting over something inconsequential and my mom yelling at them for it. I got out of my bed and walked down the hall to the top of the stairs so that everyone in the house could hear me. I screamed at the top of my lungs for them to stop it and that it didn't matter. I’m sure my mom about had a heart attack to hear me exerting myself that way.

It means that appreciating the little things can make all the difference. For about three months I barely left my bed, and I lost about 60 pounds. All of my muscle was practically gone. I remember the first time I put my pants on by myself, took a shower without assistance, made a meal for myself, and even just sat up for an entire day rather than lying down. Can you imagine how elated I was when I ran for the first time? Occasionally it still hits me when I'm doing something as simple as brushing my teeth… “I used to not be able to do this.”

It means that acts of service are the greatest ways for us to become closer to our Savior, on both the giving and receiving end. One night I was craving pickles, and my friend brought me a baggie of them the next morning. Another night I wanted ice cream, and a friend who was visiting ran home and back again to bring me some. I craved yummy potatoes, and a friend made us two giant pans so we could freeze some. Another friend helped me wash my hair as chunks of it fell into her hands. So many other acts of service were rendered, and each one helped me feel how mindful the Lord was of me in that time.

When I started growing back a little fuzz...

Wig shopping!

It means that there are more people within our sphere of influence than we can ever imagine. When I was almost fully recovered, I was out and about with my grandpa when he asked me to make a phone call for him. I explained to the man who I was, and he immediately asked if I was the granddaughter with the cancer. I laughed and said that I was. He told me that he and his wife had been praying for me for a good long while, and they were glad I was doing alright. Crazy, huh? I’d never met these people, but their relationship with God was being strengthened as they prayed for me.

It means so many things. I could not hope to list all of the things I learned through that process, and the things I am continuing to learn because of it. To name a few: It’s all about perspective. Life is beautiful. Your level of gratitude is directly related to your level of happiness. Everything that happens to us can benefit us if we let it. Family will always be there. God’s plan for me is far better than anything I could ever plan for myself. I am in control of my attitude. Your best tools are optimism and positive thinking. 

My family!

The biggest lesson I learned is that love wins. 

Nothing is more important than true, pure, eternal love. Love without judgment or reserve. Love the people you don’t know, and remember to love the people you do know.

Love your trials.

Love yourself.

Love the Savior.

Love life.

But most of all, know that you are loved.

Hannah

---
Isn't she amazing?  I am continually inspired by her attitude...sheesh, I get a sinus infection and I'm about ready to give up on life!  Ha!  Thank you, Hannah, for sharing your story with us!

Friends, have you ever dealt with a long-term illness?  How did/do you get through?  How do you keep positive in such a heavy trial?  We'd love to hear your perspective!

I am amazed by those who constantly battle a chronic illness, but continue living their lives.  What a struggle!  Especially mommas who have a family to care for...wow.  Not only physical illnesses-- mental illnesses would also be such a difficult struggle, because many times, no one fully knows the extent of what you're going through since it's not something that can be seen on the outside.  It makes me want to be more aware of those around me and be quick to serve, like the friends and family in Hannah's life.  I love her motto: Love Wins.  I agree.  Love wins, because after all is said and done, the acts of love and service given during a trial, as well as our increased reliance on the Savior, give meaning to what could have otherwise been just pointless suffering.  We will all have times when we get to be God's hands for others as well as times when we will be on the receiving end of loving service!  Heavenly Father is pretty darn smart for designing life that way. :)

Please leave your comments, Like and/or Share!  Love to you all!  

Tweet

Sunday Thoughts: It's Easter...Hallelujah!!!

By Amy

If you've seen this video floating around on Facebook and haven't take the time to watch it, PLEASE DO IT.  Right now, it's only 2 minutes!  It is SO simple and beautiful.

Today is Easter and tomorrow is my Birthday...28 years on this crazy, messy, beautiful world!  I keep thinking about the joy and happiness I have in my life.  And even on crappy days when my toddler is pitching fits and I'm a totally exhausted preggie, feeling hopelessly overwhelmed and inadequate... all I can do is kneel down, pour out my heart to God (bawl a little bit) then go to bed, trusting and hoping that the sun will rise in the morning and tomorrow will be a better day.

And when BIG trials come, like deaths and illnesses and when scary, deep fears and anxieties keep threaten to drown us, in those times too, when I'm just trying to keep my head above water, I cling for dear life to Hope!

The hope that I have in my life is REAL--it's because of Christ.

Even when I fall short and make stupid mistakes, His grace gives me the ability and strength to change and try again!  Again and again. (and again.) :)  After all that trying, a little at a time, over a lifetime, we can become more and more like the Savior whom we love.

Through His love and gospel, I have happiness and direction in this life, and the chance to live again with my family, the Savior, and my Heavenly Father after I die!

It's pretty much the best news EVER...Hallelujah!!! 

Happy Easter!

LOVE to you all!

Tweet

Sunday Thoughts: What's the Big Deal about Jesus?

*Here on SOM, we talk about the things that matter most to us--for many of us that includes our faith and religious beliefs.  I hope that we can all show respect and learn from each other's perspectives, even if they are different from our own.  Thank you for allowing me to open my heart to you!*

By Amy 

Happy day, Christmas is coming! :)

Even though it can feel a little stressful and expensive--and I never get everything done that I want to (...yeah, I didn't get a Christmas card done this year. Oops!)--the Christmas season is magical. The beautiful decor, the lights, thinking of others, picking the perfect gift, cozy blankets/hot chocolate/Christmas movies, carols...and the love.  And of course, the reason for the season: a time to celebrate the birth of Christ!  And most people, even if they're not Christian or religious, feel and show increased love and service for others.  We all try to be a little more loving and kind at Christmas time. It's so great  :)

I was thinking the other day about how gift-giving is a tradition at Christmas time because the wise men gave gifts to Jesus to honor Him.  I love that they gave him the fanciest gifts, too!  It seems kind of funny from a mom's point of view.  Really, gold?  What is a baby going to do with that?  And frankincense...isn't that some kind of perfumed oil?  He'll either drink it when you're not looking, or spill it all over his swaddling clothes.  And myrrh....whatever that is, it doesn't sound like a toy.

But, even though those aren't like your typical baby gift, the gifts of the wise men were actually very fitting.  I mean, this wasn't a baby shower, this was the birth of the Son of God!  And though he was a tiny little infant, they knew that He was the most important infant to ever be born.  So they gave Him highly treasured, valuable gifts...to show reverence and honor for who He was.

Isn't this so beautiful!?  "The Holy Night" by Carlo Maratta

But the wise men didn't give the only gifts.

Christ gave a gift too.  He came down from His Heavenly throne and was born here on earth into the humblest of circumstances.  I mean, He was born in a barn and laid in the cattles' hay manger!  He came, knowing that He would suffer and give His life to fulfill His Father's plan; He came for all of us. His life was a gift to us too, an example of love, purity, and obedience.  His teachings were a gift to the whole world, giving us the path to follow and the right way to live.  And ultimately, the greatest gift He gave was his life.  He suffered pain and sorrow that would have killed any of us, and didn't let it end until He had paid the full price; that's when He told the Father while hanging on the cross, "It is finished." before dying.  He lay down his perfect, unblemished life as the only acceptable, worthy sacrifice to pay the price so that we can repent and become clean.  And He loves each of us, collectively and one by one.  John 15:13 says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that He lay down His life for his friends."

God gave a gift too!

His gift, we also celebrate every Christmas, "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)  His gift was also motivated by love and required a great sacrifice; to send His beloved son into the world, knowing that He would suffer greatly and then die at the hands of evil people.  His pure, good, kind son!  He could have stopped it all so easily and sent an army of angels to squash those Roman soldiers and the Jewish leaders who were condemning His son (well, Jesus could have stopped it too!) but, God loved US enough to let it happen.  Wow, what a choice!  I don't know if I could ever let my son suffer and die, even if I knew his death would save others.  It must have been agony for the Father.  He must love us SO deeply.  Each and every one of us.

Sometimes people will ask a Christian, "What's the big deal about Jesus?"  

I remember asking the same question myself when I was a teenager.  But, now I know: Our Father sent Jesus to atone for our sins, so that we can be clean if we chose to follow Him!  That is the only way we can return to live with God after we die and receive all of His blessings.  So, that's the big deal about Jesus and Christmas: the greatest Gift is the chance to return to God and have eternal life.  And we celebrate Jesus, because he made that possible.  And, I know it can be hard to comprehend sometimes....like, "How can we even know that there's a God?  What is the proof?"

But I know it's true, cause I've felt it many times and I can't deny it.  I know that God is there.  I've felt His love in quiet ways that are powerful witnesses to me.  I've felt my heart expand and swell when learning about Jesus Christ, and I know those feelings are the Spirit testifying to me that this is REAL!  It's all real!  There is a God, and He sent His Son who gave His perfect life for me.

And I can't remember what it was like to be in God's presence, but I've had glimpses--those moments when I've felt the closest to Heaven.  When my son was born.  When I cuddle with my sweet little family.  Times when I've been heart-broken, crying myself to sleep, praying for relief...and He comforted me.  Being at church and hearing a beautiful song or talk and feeling the desire welling up in me to be more loving, more patient, more like the Savior.  And the simple little moments, like seeing the sun sparkling on the frosty trees and I'm so happy for a beautiful world.  Or when I get home from teaching art classes in the evening, I walk through the door, and my son starts running to me and yells, "MOMMA!"  Oh man, my heart is about to explode!  These little snatches of soul-filling joy are just little tiny glimpses of the joy we will feel in the presence of God.  It's going to be more amazing than we can ever imagine; the greatest and warmest happiness...if we could only remember how it felt to be with Him, we'd long to be back.  And He longs for us to return to Him!  That's why He could let His first-born suffer and die, cause He knew it was the only way for His other precious Sons and Daughters to get to return to Him again.

I know it's true.  I feel it so strong!

And I can't perfectly understand everything and I know I have a long ways to go, but I know what I know, and I'll depend on faith for the rest.

So, our loving Father and His Son already gave us the perfect gifts.  That's kind of a hard gift exchange!  How do you repay the PERFECT gift?  We can't.  Anything we could give them would be like us receiving a Lamborghini, and giving a little hot wheels car in return.  Ha!  But we can still give our heart.  We can do our best to follow him and keep His commandments, teach and love our children, and reach out to others.  Like He said, "Feed my sheep."  I try to live like the Savior the best I can, though I trip up a lot.  (Um, I have a toddler, so yes, I lose patience.  Like 500 times a day. *sigh...)

So, this Christmas, even though anything I could give would be hopelessly small in comparison to His gifts to me, I wanted to give something to my Heavenly Father.  And I wanted it to be something that He knew I was holding back from Him.  I didn't know what to give, so I prayed and asked.  As I pondered my question, the thought that came to my mind.

I need to give Him more meaningful prayers.

I felt a little ashamed at myself when that answer came, cause I knew it was true.  I've had times in my life when I was much more deliberate and thoughtful in my prayers, and I felt closer to God.  I mean, having quality conversation with anyone will deepen a relationship, and I was missing that.  Lately, I wake up by my son yelling, "Momma!" from his crib, so my morning prayers are either rushed or forgotten.  Prayers at meals are usually said quickly, finished before Hayden starts flinging food.  And at night time I'm exhausted and thinking of bed, so my prayers are not as real as they should be.  And I've been busy and distracted from the little, quiet through-out the day prayers that I used to send Him.  This is sad to me.  I know that God could be guiding me more in my life, but I am not seeking His help like I use to.  So, that is my gift to Him.  It sounds meager, but I want to figure out when to take a few minutes for a heart-felt prayer, right after I put my son down for a nap, turning off the music when I'm in the car to talk to my Heavenly Father, even praying in the shower!

I love the story of the little drummer boy playing for the Savior: that was all he had to give and he gave his best.  Our heart-felt efforts are seen and appreciated by our Father and the Savior.  (Read this incredible post from Momastery--it inspired me SO much!  I wish I could explain things like her!!)

I'd love to hear from you....what are your favorite parts of Christmas?  What do you want to give to Jesus this year?

I am so glad for this time of year, even though I suck at baking and I didn't get out Christmas cards.

I love all of you!  I hope you have joy and love this holiday season!  You are loved. :)

Tweet

Sunday Thoughts: Your Spouse Can't Heal You

By Amy

I love Patrick!  Ha, he looks so baby-face without his goatee. :)

*Here on SOM, we talk about the things that matter most to us--for many of us that includes our faith and religious beliefs.  I hope that we can all show respect and learn from each other's perspectives, even if they are different from our own.  My story includes my faith in Christ and how He has strengthened me individually and in my marriage.  Thank you for allowing me to open my heart to you!*

You know how when you're first married, older couples look at you, chuckle, and sigh, "Oh newly-wedded bliss!"  Well, sometimes hearing that made me feel pretty crappy.

For us, the first few months were a little less than blissful.  It's hard to admit this too, because I don't want you to think, "Oh man, they have a rocky marriage..."  Cause I am--and forever will be--so grateful to have my loving, kind, funny Patrick for a husband.  Life is good!  :)  But, we had to get to this point.  The truth is: though it's wonderful, marriage isn't perfect.  It's two people coming from different backgrounds trying to become one family unit: unless you are both super easy-going people, with fabulous communication, there's bound to be some issues.  I mean, guys and girls think and react differently and every person has their own unique way of seeing things.  For us, we had to hash out some of these differences right at the beginning.

We had both lived independently for several years and we were used to doing things our own way, without needing someone else's approval.  Suddenly, we were a married couple and we were having a hard time figuring out how to constructively handle differences of opinions.

One night, after a "fight" (we weren't the yelling-and-throwing-things type...we just mostly got hurt and quiet and withdrew from each other) I was laying in bed next to my husband after our nightly prayer.  I wanted to finish talking through the conflict, but he turned over and wanted to let it be.  I wondered, "Doesn't everybody say, "Never go to bed angry?  Aren't we supposed to resolve this now?  Are we going to fail if we can't communicate?"  Tears of frustration and worry about us slid down my face, soaking my pillow.  Though I was right next to my husband, I felt alone.  I was silently willing him to turn to me and say, "I'm sorry.  Let's figure this out.  I love you."

But, he didn't.

I quietly cried, and thought, "I'm sure he knows I'm crying.  Why doesn't he reach out to me?"

I lay there till I couldn't take it anymore.  I slipped out of bed, walked into the living room, and curled up on the couch.  My heart was aching and I needed him to come to me: I didn't need him to tell me I was right, and he was wrong--I just needed him to put his arms around me and to reassure me that he loved me despite the conflict.

After waiting in the dark, cold living room, listening to the clock tick for a long time, the harsh realization came: He is not coming.

I felt crushingly dissapointed by the man who I loved so much.  Sobs shook me as I wondered, "How could he let me suffer alone?"  I ached and cried to my Heavenly Father.  I was so confused--I knew I had made the right decision to marry Patrick--I had felt God's approval and guidance throughout our relationship, unlike I'd ever felt with any other boy.  So why was marriage proving to be so hard?  Why weren't conflicts easy to talk through?  Weren't we supposed to be full of newly-wedded bliss?  And, WHY wasn't Patrick coming to me and making it better?!

When I was all cried out, I lay there sniffling, curled up on the loveseat of our tiny basement apartment, and pondered.  In the quiet, the thought came: "You are looking to the wrong source for healing."

It was so powerful-- a gentle reminder from my loving Heavenly Father.  After pondering this for a few minutes, I again began to pray.  I told my Father how my heart was aching.  I explained that I knew it was good and right for Patrick and I to be husband and wife, but we were having a rough time figuring out how to live together, communicate well, and cooperate.  I told Him that I knew my Savior had already felt my worry and loneliness, and tonight I desperately needed Him to comfort me.

Immediately, a warm peace filled my empty and aching heart with God's love.  Not many times in my life have I had such a dramatic and immediate answer to prayer...often my answers come with time and patience, but this time, He granted relief as soon as I asked.  Though it may seem like a small thing, to my hurting soul, this was a miracle!

I marveled at the complete love that filled me and basked in it.  With grateful tears in my eyes, I thanked Him for His kindness and for healing my heart.  And, though I was exhausted and my eyes raw, His love was enough.  I took my weary body back to bed, and slipped in next to my husband.

Who was completely deep in sleep.

Wow.  He wasn't stonily ignoring my pain, he was just...sleeping!  Ha--He didn't even know that I was distraught!  It was almost comical how I had expected him to read my mind and come to my rescue, while he was dead asleep.  Over time I've realized he is more of a "let's sleep on it, and talk about it in the morning when we're not so tired." kind of guy.  And that's fine!

This experience was life changing.  I learned that I can't expect that my husband will be able to do/be everything that I need.  He can't "make" me happy or fix all my hurts and worries.  At times he will even be the cause of my pain or disappointment...cause, guess what--he's human!  And there have been and will definitely still be many times that I disappoint and frustrate him--Cause I'm human too!

Also, he can't read my mind.  The only ones who fully and completely know my heart and my thoughts, my desires, and motivations, are my Heavenly Father and His Son.  Jesus Christ knows my  every sorrow, hurt, heartache, guilt, and worry.  He felt my pain and paid for my sins.  

Sometimes, I have to remember, if I am sad or frustrated, and I look to my husband, like, "Why don't you make this better?" then I am asking him to heal me.  And, that is not his role.  He is my partner, my companion, my soundboard, my love, and closest friend--But he is not my Savior.  Just like that gentle reminder to me when I sobbed on the couch, only Christ can fill the role of Savior and Healer.  My husband can give me love, support, and comfort, but true and complete healing only comes through the power of Christ's atonement.  And, I can't fix my hub either.  We both have to turn to the Lord as individuals and as a couple.  If do all that I can to make life good (even when it's not easy) and rely on my Savior--He will fulfill me.  His love will radiate through me as I reach out to my husband, children, neighbors, and every person I meet.  (In other words, let your light so shine!  Mathew 5:14-16)  His love will enable me to be more Christ-like and be a better spouse.  It was eye-opening to see that I had unrealistic expectations of my spouse and of marriage in general.

Now, we are SO much better at being married folks.  It's crazy to think back on that night and how sad I was.  And even though it seems a bit dramatic now, I feel protective of the vulnerable girl I was on that night, and grateful to her for accepting a humbling message from the Lord and for her desire to change.  You know what?  I'm SO glad to be done with the newlywed time.  I like being a couple years in.  (three and a half...woot woot!  Haha...I know, we're babies.)  We're comfortable in our marriage.  It feels safe and warm.  It's a joy to share my life with such a good man who makes me laugh all the time.  Seeing him with our baby boy makes my heart swell with love and gratitude.  We try to see the good in each other and forgive each other for mistakes (like he did when I accidentally left a half gallon of acrylic paint in the living room and my toddler dumped it all over the carpet...NOT cool.)   Of course we still have conflicts and get super bugged at each other, but we try to let go of the small stuff, and talk out the important stuff. (and I try to remember that he usually isn't ready to discuss it immediately, but needs some time)  This is soooo much better than both our natural reactions to conflict--retreating from each other and being silent.  So, we aren't perfect, but we're both trying.  And God fills in the gaps.

I believe with all of my heart that regardless of marital status (single, divorced, etc) or problems in a marriage, when we are doing all we can to follow Christ, we will feel love, peace, and fulfillment.  Even in trials.  I'm not just saying that either...I know it and I've felt it.  I believe in the Savior's promise to each of us that He will carry our burdens.  And all of us will go through some really bad crap in this life--heavy, heavy burdens that make us tremble under the weight.  Though I don't know what each of your hidden battles are, I do know that God does.  He loves you.  He sent His Son for you, and through the Savior, you can be lifted and strengthened and healed--He's just waiting for you to turn to Him!

Friends, thank you for letting me open my heart to you! :)  I gotta get cheesy for a minute and tell you that I love you!  It's been amazing to feel your support, read your stories, and hear your comments since starting this blog.  And because I love you, I wanted to share with you what means the most to me: my faith in God and His Son.  Whatever your beliefs, I hope you know and believe that YOU have so much worth--because you do! 
---

Ps. I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, and experiences about finding joy in marriage!  How does your spirituality impact your relationship with your spouse?  And, if you appreciated this post, please Like/Share so others can join in the conversation!  Thank you!  :)

What YOU have to say is important and worthwhile; We'd love to hear from you!  So...don't forget I'm looking for ladies (...Like YOU! :) ) to share stories, experiences, insights, tips, projects, etc. here on SOM!  It's fun to guest post...please check out the "Wanna contribute?" tab on the right margin and contact me for more deets!

Tweet

Finding My Deep Beauty

By Marilee
Introduced by Amy

For a while, I've been thinking on beauty.  Every lady wants to be pretty and feel confident--it's only natural!  But, gosh, we can be SO dang critical and hard on ourselves!  I recently spilled my guts about my struggle with my crappy skin--I was overwhelmed by your love and kind responses, as well as your courage in telling some of YOUR beauty insecurities.  My friend, Marilee, recently told me about an epiphany she had about beauty and her own worth, that healed a lifetime of pain and embarrassment.  My view of her is much different than she saw herself for all those years; I think of her as kind, encouraging, fun, and beautiful!  I was so happy to hear of the peace her realization brought her.  Since I loved her story so much, I wanted her to share it with you--and she was brave enough to agree!  Here it is. 
-Amy

----
Ever since I can remember, I have felt ugly.  When I was young I had crooked buck teeth; when I bit into a sandwich I made a 90 degree angle impression.  Oh and of course, I wore glasses.  Thus, I was very teased and bullied--not just at school, but at home too by my older brother and Dad.

Self Esteem?  I didn't have any.  I looked in the mirror and all I saw was a fat, homely girl that just wanted to fit in.

Luckily the summer before 7th grade I was blessed to get braces.  I was so determined to have straight teeth that I did and wore whatever I was required...which included the over-the-head head gear.  In the beginning I had to wear it to school.  Boy was I teased!

So I believed more and more that I was ugly.  Because of the braces, my front lip curled up.  So the boys at school called me frog-lips, and would "ribbit" whenever they saw me.

Well my braces finally came off and yes, my teeth looked great!  But I still didn't think I was pretty.  AND I still worried about my weight.  My parents had 9 children. 3 girls, two boys, then 4 more girls.  I am the 7th of the 9.  In our teen years my sisters had eating disorders--they were skin and bones.  Sizes 1-3.  At 16, I was 5'7 and size 6.  I thought I was fat, because I was compared to my extremely thin sisters.  My junior year my parents put me on Weight Watchers.

I had a hard time making friends because I didn't think anyone wanted to be with such a overweight, homely person.

I had a great personality but I didn't know it.  I went through High School getting better at making friends and going to sports games, but never dating.  I quit going to the dances after the games and church dances because they were too depressing; I never danced.  My Senior year I got contacts, but that wasn't enough.

I still looked in the mirror and saw a fat, ugly, person.

OK.  Are you depressed enough?

Well I graduated, and learned to avoid mirrors and went on to serve a mission for my church, and got married when I was 27.  My husband died due to complications of diabetes 5 years later.

After a couple of years, I remarried.  After 11 years of happiness we have 3 beautiful boys together and I have two stepsons.

But I still struggled with my self esteem.  Through the years I have always told myself that I was fat and ugly.

I had heard people speak on how Heavenly Father looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance and how beauty comes from within...etc.  But I could never believe it.  It was as if I was hearing it through a wall and couldn't understand the words.

I am 45 years old now.  This past week I came across a talk by Elaine S. Dalton addressed to teen girls.  (She is a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint's worldwide young women's group. 2010 General Young Women Conference).

In it she talks about "deep beauty": how a person's beauty isn't determined by the outward appearance but by how their spirit shines from within. She taught that beauty comes from being a good person, following God and his commandments, and how we serve each other.

It comes from how strong our convictions are.

It comes from how kind we are to each other.

It comes from the Light of Christ that is within us.

Suddenly, it clicked.  It doesn't matter how big or thin I am.  It doesn't matter if I wear glasses or have buck and crooked teeth.

My appearance isn't what makes me beautiful.  I know that I am beautiful because I am a Daughter of God and I let my light shine! 

-Marilee 

----
Thank you, so much Marilee, for opening your heart to us.  I LOVE the idea of "Deep Beauty".

Friends, please share your thoughts and feelings about beauty with us.  What do YOU think makes someone beautiful?  Who is the most "deeply beautiful" woman that you know?  Your mother?  A teacher? We'd love to hear!  And please Like/Share this post if it was meaningful to you.  :)
-Amy
    

Tweet